A few days ago, I was involved a debate with some people on Facebook as to whether or not President Obama should make a statement about the Trayvon Martin case, especially after how upset so many people are after the verdict. Some people felt that we shouldn’t expect President Obama to say anything because he would most likely catch heat for it if he did. I was one of the people who thought that he should say something because his words could possibly make a difference in how people viewed the case and people’s reactions to it. I also thought it was his responsibility to say something about it because it’s a huge issue that is dividing people in the country of which he is the leader. About two days after that debate, the president did make a statement about it, and it seemed to make a lot of people happy, including those who felt that we shouldn’t have expected him to do that. It was known that a lot of people were looking for the president to say something. Did that contribute to his decision to express some of his thoughts on the matter? Who knows, but I believe that it did. Even if it didn’t, a lot of people were surprised that he made those remarks because they expected him to take the easy way out and not say anything. Well, by making coming out on Friday and making those remarks, President Obama showed that he would not cower away from this difficult conversation, and he also invigorated those who agreed with his comments.
Telling you that story serves two purposes: 1. I want you to know that it is okay to challenge those that you love and support.2. I don’t want you to be too much of a coward to speak up for your needs, wants, and beliefs. Those two concepts can be applied in almost every aspect of life. If you’re in a relationship with someone whom you love and adore, it is absolutely okay for you to tell them that you want more from them. How will they know that you are unhappy about something if you don’t tell them? If there is a politician that you support, then do all you can to help get them elected, but once they are, don’t be afraid to hold them accountable for the promises that they made. Supporting someone doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with them. They say that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so don’t be afraid to make some noise and get the things that you want and deserve out of life. Our society is so concerned about being politically correct and not offending people that truth, morals and common sense are often discarded in favor of appeasement and pacification, and we all lose out on meaningful conversations which can lead to substantial change because of it. Don’t be afraid to speak truth to people and require the same in return. They may not always like it, but real people, those who can keep it 100, will respect you for it.
Last week, we talked about forgiveness. Well, this week, I want to look at the other side of the equation – apologizing. It wasn’t until my early twenties that I truly learned how important and how hard it can be to apologize. I mentioned last time that forgiveness can be tough, but in a lot of instances, apologizing can be just as difficult, if not more so. The thing that makes apologizing such a difficult task is that it requires us to humble ourselves. First we have to be humble and honest enough to admit we were wrong. Then, we have to call on those same two traits to ask the person we offended for forgiveness. When those things are done sincerely, they can be very humbling, especially for the inexperienced apologizer.
See, most of us are used to giving and receiving half-assed apologies. Those are the ones that people offer without much thought or sincerity, and they rarely contain an admission of what was actually done wrong. That ain’t how it goes. A real apology requires some introspection to admit to yourself that you were wrong and that the offended party deserves to be treated better. In addition to introspection, there also has to be some perspective in order to see your actions from the other person’s point of view. Then, it requires the humility to admit the things that you just admitted to yourself to the other person. Finally, a true apology requires maturity because it takes a mature person to be able to offer up an apology and really mean it.
Yes, you may feel a little better once you apologize, but the apology isn’t about you. It’s about showing the other person enough respect to admit that you were wrong and that they weren’t deserving of that kind of treatment. A real apology is about trying to set things right. It’s about doing what you can to start the healing process for all parties involved. If you’ve ever been hurt and later received an apology, you know how much those words can mean and how they often make it so much easier to let things go. Everyone deserves the opportunity to heal, so when you’re the one who did the hurting, step up and also be the one who starts the healing.
Forgiveness is one of those things that can be very hard to accomplish. It’s very common for us to be wronged by someone and decide that we’ll let it go. We have every intention of doing so, but a lot of times we don’t know how. I’m one of those people who generally has a hard time holding a grudge. If you make me laugh, I’m pretty much on the road to being cool again, but there have been a few times that people have hurt me so deeply or pissed me off so severely that I still feel the hurt and anger of the situation as if it just happened yesterday. I know that it is cliché to tell you that forgiving someone can make you feel as good as or better than the person you’re forgiving, but I’m going to tell you anyway because it’s true.
Letting go of the hurt, anger, and resentment that you hold on to before forgiving someone is truly a burden lifted. It feels good to be able to see and/or think about someone who did you wrong and not get all worked up about it. When you’re able to do that, it means that the person and that situation no longer have any control over you. It means that you’re free from whatever madness to which you may have been chained and can move forward with one less thing to worry about.
Therefore, my little piece of advice this week is to just let it all go. Your friend stabbed you in the back? Don’t even trip on it. They did you a favor by showing you who they really were. Believe them, decide how to deal with them going forward and just let it go. Your boyfriend is working your last nerve? Don’t fall into the trap and start an argument. Just charge this one to the game and let it go. Teachers and parents giving you a hard time? Make sure you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, and just let the rest go. Don’t be confused; this isn’t about adopting a nonchalant attitude. This is about recognizing that we all are human and make mistakes and being able to allow yourself and others to make them without holding onto those mistakes forever. Just let it go!
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is a federal agency whose main goal is to protect the health and safety of the US population. One way that the CDC manages to protect public health is to monitor the population for trends or epidemics, and notify the public of anything that has been deemed unsafe and that seems to be spreading rapidly throughout the population. Well today, I’m the CDC and you’re the public, and I’m here to warn you of an epidemic.
Recently, I have noticed a growing epidemic of women making questionable decisions involving men that they barely know. Notice I said women. I’m talking about grown folks; people who are supposed to know better. Since it seems like they may have missed this piece of advice, I figured I’d try to hurry up and tell you so that you’ll be ahead of the curve. If you barely know a guy, TREAT HIM LIKE YOU BARELY KNOW HIM. I’m not saying be rude or distant. You should always be cordial and respectful. I’m just saying use your common sense and protect yourself from emotional and/or physical dangers.
When I was a teenager, I remember my relationships with guys developing fairly quickly. If I talked on the phone with a guy for a couple of weeks and kicked it with him a few times, that usually meant we were in the teenage version of a pretty serious relationship. If it lasted for more than a few months, folks thought you were going to get married. I remember and respect how the teenage game goes. But just because you may be moving at a somewhat accelerated pace doesn’t mean that you have to throw wisdom out of the window.
If you have literally just met a guy – I’m talking just learned his last name and don’t yet know his middle name – met a guy. He doesn’t have to be your boyfriend immediately. You don’t even know dude like that! I understand that you both like each other and want to lock it down, but take a little time to make sure he is really someone you want to be tied down to.
Also, it’s a very good possibility that dude…the one you just met…will be trying to get in your pants. He’s a guy. It’s kinda just what they do. Some are more patient and subtle than others, but it’s still part of the equation. That’s something that will never change, so you might as well prepare for it now. If he’s putting a little pressure on you to take things to the next level, tell him to calm down. If you’re considering it, stop. Not at this point. You don’t even know dude like that. Take your time. There’s no need to be in a rush.
If you have a boyfriend, but you’ve only been together a little while (maybe a few months or less), and he’s been spending a majority of that time trying to convince you to have sex, take your time. You don’t even know dude like that! Sex is serious, and a lot of responsibility comes with it (that’s another blog for another day), so it’s not something that you should jump into lightly.
One last thing: If you’ve met someone on the internet and are considering meeting them face to face, please do not go to their house or some other private place. Don’t invite them to your house, either. You do not know them like that. You could be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. If anything, meet them at a crowded public place and make sure you tell someone what’s going on.
I’m sure that there are a lot of people in your life who care for you and try protect you, but the ultimate responsibility of your safety and well-being lies with you. Learn from the mistakes of others, and try not to make those same mistakes yourself. Make wise decisions that will help you avoid some of the emotional and physical pain that so many others experience. There are a lot of factors that are out of your control, but one that is in your control is the amount of time you spend getting to know someone before giving them access to every part of you. Take the time to learn enough about them to make sure they’re deserving of everything you have to offer.
Playing politics is a pretty big part of our lives, even when we don’t really get involved in the actual political process. Not only do politics affect laws and policies that determine things like healthcare and education. They also seem to control the way people perceive right and wrong. In other words, we seem to live in a place where the people don’t influence the politics; instead, the politics influence the people. For this to be the “greatest democracy in the world”, we certainly have the process backwards. In my opinion, that’s because of two things:
We are too loyal to political parties.
The peak of our social activism happens in the voting booth.
When I was in my teens and early twenties, I didn’t keep up with the ins and outs of the political scene, but I knew when major events like elections were happening. I also knew that when it was time to vote in these elections, my parents and most other black folks were going to vote democrat. So when it was time for me to start voting, I pretty much knew that I’d be voting democrat, too. Now that I’m older and pay a little more attention to the political scene, I know enough about both major political parties to know that I agree with some of the ideals of both parties. That’s one reason why I believe that voting shouldn’t be about remaining loyal to a certain political party, it should be about being loyal to your morals and values.
The second issue is the fact that when it comes to social responsibility, most people seem to think that voting is enough. But when you really think about it, voting is pretty much the least that you can do. In my opinion, a person who works daily to change the things that they see going wrong in their community and never even see a voting booth has done more for the country than the person who votes in every election but does nothing more. Unfortunately, politics are marketed in a way that makes us feel like we’re doing something without really doing anything at all. We are always told that we need to get out and vote, and I believe that we do, but it definitely shouldn’t stop there.
Some of you are probably too young to vote and probably don’t really have any interest in politics, so why am I telling you this? Well, I’m telling you this because you haven’t drank the kool-aid yet. You are still deciding how you plan to make your imprint on the world. So while you’re figuring that out, please consider playing politics, but make sure you change the game when you do it.
If you ask me who I am, I will tell you that I am Tiffany, my parents’ daughter, native of Albany, GA. If you ask me what kind of person I am, I will tell you that I’m fun-loving, sometimes silly, passionate, ambitious, loyal, and a lot of other things. If you ask me what I would consider to be a huge compliment from someone who knows me, it would be that they consider me to be a good person who treats everyone with kindness and respect. When trying to figure out how a person defines themselves, these are the type of questions that you ask. From my answers, I hope you can see that I define myself by the way that I act, the way that I treat people, and the people and experiences that have contributed to the woman that I have become. In short, I define myself by my character, and because that’s how I define myself, it’s also how I define other people.
There are people in this world who define themselves by the amount of money they have, the things that they own, or the level of success that they have achieved. There are several problems with this line of thinking. The first problem is that defining yourself by exterior things is that those things can be taken away, so if you lose your money, your job, or your materials, you lose who you are. The second problem is that it lets you off the hook for being responsible for your actions. If all it takes to make you a good person is for you to obtain success and money, then it doesn’t matter how you acted along the way. That’s the wrong line of thinking. The final (and biggest) problem that I have with the idea of defining one’s self by exterior factors is that you will define others the same way. That means that you will think less of those who have less. It also means that you will think less of yourself when comparing yourself to someone who has more. That ain’t cool.
Define yourself by things like the way that you treat people and how you act in the face of adversity. That’s much more important than how much money you have. It is a personal goal of mine to have a positive effect on every person that I encounter. I think that the way to do this is to try to be a positive person who defines myself by positive character traits. Being kind, humble, and caring will have a heavier impact on the world than wearing the most popular brands. I want people to see the good in me, and I want to see the good in people…not the good on them. That’s why I define myself by my character. I hope you will, too.
When giving people advice on finding love, gaining confidence, or just enjoying life, one of the most popular pieces of advice offered is that you have to love and be happy with yourself. Loving yourself is comprised of having a positive self-image and accepting the things about yourself that you can’t change. When you love yourself it doesn’t necessarily mean that you think you are perfect and therefore don’t need to strive to become better. It just means that you are aware of your value and you know that you have things to offer. It means that though you may strive to change some things about yourself in an effort to make improvements, you still accept and appreciate who you are inside and out.
Why is it so important to love yourself? It’s important because your view of yourself has an enormous impact on your view of the world. When you don’t see yourself properly, when you don’t see the beauty in yourself and all of the gifts that you have to offer, you often won’t be able to see the beauty in the world around you. When you don’t have a clear view of the world, it can lead you to make bad decisions – decisions that aren’t fully based in reality because they are skewed by your somewhat unrealistic/negative view of the world.
Lil Kim is a prime example of what having a negative self-image can do to a person. She didn’t think that she was beautiful, so she tried to change the way she looked. She has gone through several transformations, so it seems that no matter how much she changes her physical appearance, she fails to achieve the look that she wants. Lil Kim went from being a beautiful young woman to a caricature that people laugh at all because her decisions were skewed by a negative self-image. She played herself, and will continue to do so until she learns to love herself.
The whole idea of loving yourself in order to find happiness may seem somewhat idealistic to some, but it really is a necessity. A lot of people make the mistake of searching for someone or something outside of themselves to make them happy, but that happiness is fleeting because it is only there for as long as that exterior factor is around. When you love and are happy with yourself, your happiness isn’t dependent upon outside factors. That means that you can be happy no matter what your situation may be. When you don’t have that, you often end up settling for less than you deserve, making poor relationship decisions, or even worse, harming yourself physically. All of those things fall into the same category as Lil Kim and all her plastic surgery – playing yourself. Don’t play yourself. Love yourself.
There’s an old saying that goes: “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife.” Today, we’re going to explore why that’s largely a true statement, and see what characteristics determine to which category people belong. As a disclaimer, let me say that I know that you all are young and being a wife isn’t at the top of your to-do list right now, but, I also don’t think any of you are jumping at the chance to be considered a ho. Now, let’s get started.
What makes a ho a ho?
Contrary to popular belief, a girl/woman isn’t considered a ho simply because she’s messed around with a lot of guys. That’s a contributing factor, but it’s definitely not the only factor. Some of you may even know someone who people consider promiscuous who isn’t even messing around like that. So, how is it that someone who doesn’t really mess with a lot of guys be considered a ho? It’s because she carries herself like one.
How do hos carry themselves?
Oh honey, you already know the answer to this question. All you need to do is log onto Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or YouTube and you will see examples EVERYWHERE. How many status updates have you seen that are just trifling? How many twerk videos have been posted for the world to see? It’s not just on the internet, though. You can walk down the street and see the tale-tell signs. What’s your first thought when you see the girl in skimpy clothing that shows more than it covers? What about the one who is ALWAYS finding her way to a group of guys just to have a less-than-respectable conversation with ALL of them. ALL was a key word in that last sentence because it’s going to take us to our next category. What makes any girl think that flirting (or doing more) with an entire group of guys is okay? It’s because she has a ho mentality.
What is a ho mentality?
It’s the way of thinking that leads women to do the things that I described above. They don’t think like a woman with class. Therefore, they don’t act like a woman with class. Even worse, they may actually think like a woman with class but choose to act otherwise just to get male attention. Either way, through their actions, they are telling the world to treat them a certain way, and please believe me when I tell you that the boys/men in their lives are treating them accordingly. To be honest, I don’t know the ins and outs of their mentality, but I do know the major flaw in it. That type of mentality is one that tells them that when it comes to getting a man that they should lead with their bodies.
What makes a housewife a housewife?
In more general terms, what are the characteristics of a girl whom a guy will consider dating seriously/making a commitment to? This song does a pretty good job of describing that type of girl:
Okay, let’s go through some of those lyrics to see what type of woman dead prez described.
I don’t want nobody who can’t get up on my level/who can’t overstand my rebel soul…. I think she want me/school me/jewel me/feed me wisdom/drop it on me – This says to me that this man doesn’t want to be with someone who can’t keep up with him intellectually. It also sounds like he’s interested in someone who can listen well enough to get to know him and understand and accept who he is. I think that makes sense. As women, we all want to feel like we have someone that we can talk to and who understands us. Why would we expect it to be any different for men? In addition to being able to keep up with him intellectually, he described a woman who can introduce him to new things.
Got no time for dumbing down/her brilliance keep coming out…. She ain’t ashamed of her nerd side/Her body and her mind fine – The woman that’s described here is not only intelligent, but she’s also comfortable with that intelligence. She doesn’t try to dumb herself down or act ditzy in an effort to attract a guy or make those around her feel more comfortable. She is also beautiful mentally and physically.
Look inside her beautiful mind/fly design/watch her shine/fine wine/better with time…. She’s so wise/thick in the thighs/politicized/beautiful eyes/ambitious/so delicious/motivated, oh baby, analytical/critical thinker – They aren’t just talking about her intellectual prowess. They show a man who is appreciating the physical as well as mental beauty of a woman. Guys love to marvel at girls who are beautiful, but when they are in it for more than just the physical, they will marvel at your mental assets, too.
A lot of these beautiful girls be freaks but weak in the mind/ Hers is strong. – Now, this is a big one. This speaks to your boundaries. How far are you willing to go to get the guy you want? Are you willing to compromise your morals and values just because he asks you to and you don’t want to say no? There are girls out here playing themselves because they think giving in to someone’s every desire makes them desirable. It may make them desirable, but not for the right reasons. Most of those girls are viewed as temporary solutions and are not a permanent fixture in a guy’s life. These few lines are describing someone who values herself and holds fast to her boundaries. Having boundaries and not crossing them for anyone will earn you respect. Being respected is much more valuable than just being lusted after.
Why can’t you turn a ho into a housewife?
She doesn’t have the right mentality. She acts like the best of what she has to offer is what’s under her clothes. She’s not thinking like a woman who knows that her best asset is her mind. One of the characteristics of a good wife is the ability to help a man build a life. When working as a team to build anything, you have to bring intellect, wisdom, cooperation, and respect to the table. To be considered for a wife position, you have to lead with those things. A woman has to have a certain type of mentality to make that possible, and a ho mentality just doesn’t fit the bill. Therefore, even long before a guy is ready to settle down and get married, you will find that he still categorizes the women he interacts with. He’s not going to try to have anything significant with a girl that he sees as a ho because he knows that she’s not thinking like someone that he can have a real future with, and she probably doesn’t carry herself like someone that he will be proud to have on his arm. Hos are usually dealt with in the dark. Strive to be the type of woman who walks in the light.
If your boyfriend is horrible, it’s probably all your fault. Now that I’ve put that out there, let’s qualify what it means to be a horrible boyfriend. If he cheats on you, lies to you, disrespects you, continuously takes you for granted, or just completely fails at being anything close to the boyfriend that you actually want, he’s most likely a horrible boyfriend. So, like I said before, if you have a horrible boyfriend, I’m willing to bet that it’s all your fault. Is it your fault that he’s dishonest enough to cheat? No. Is it your fault that he doesn’t respect or appreciate you? No. Is it your fault that he’s just not even in the same ballpark as the type of person that you think of when you think of the ideal boyfriend? Of course not. Is it your fault that he’s YOUR boyfriend? YES!!!
In our society, it’s common practice to discuss – extensively – the shortcomings of men, especially when it comes to relationships. Sayings like “All men are dogs” are common place. It’s such a norm that when I typed “all men” in the Google search bar, some of the suggested searches were “all men cheat” and “all men are liars”. I hope that I don’t have to tell you that this isn’t true, but just in case let me be clear. IT’S NOT TRUE. There are definitely plenty of good guys in the world, but because a lot of us have had some unpleasant experiences, the good get lumped together with the bad, and women get to dodge all responsibility in picking a mate.
As young women, you’re just starting to enter the world of dating, and some of you may be considering entering a steady relationship with someone. I want to give you a little piece of reality that so many women – young and old – seem not to have. If a guy shows you exactly who he is and/or tells you exactly what he wants and those things don’t correspond to what you want and you choose to be in a relationship with him anyway, it is absolutely your fault that you are unhappy in your situation. Let’s go over a couple of examples where this rule applies.
Example #1: You want a boyfriend, someone to be committed to only you and you’re dating a guy who says that he’s not ready to settle down. Instead of accepting what he said and moving on or continuing to date him casually, you decide to try to wear him down until he commits to you. Finally, he says he’ll be your man, but you later find out he’s cheating on you. The hurt you experience will be partially your fault. True, he shouldn’t have agreed to do something he really didn’t want to do, i.e. be in a relationship, but you shouldn’t have tried to change him into what you wanted instead of just waiting until a guy who wanted the same things you do came along.
Example #2: You’re dating a guy, and he is saying all of the right things. He’s charming, funny, and down to earth. You guys have a great time when you’re together, but sometimes when you ask him a question, you get the feeling that he’s lying. You ignore the feeling and keep kicking it with him. Eventually, you catch him in a lie, but you forgive him and continue to hang out. Soon, you know that he’s constantly lying to you. Now you’re angry and feeling betrayed, but isn’t it your fault that you’re in so deep when you knew you were being played? Yep. It sure is. If your intuition says that something isn’t right, don’t ignore it, especially if it keeps happening. Tell your dude how you’re feeling, and see what happens. If his shady behavior continues, why would you keep subjecting yourself to it?
We often settle for people who aren’t good for us because we don’t want to be alone or we feel like they’re the best we can do. When they hurt us or disappoint us, we often put all of the blame on them. Of course they are responsible for their actions, but so are you. If you choose to spend your time and give your affection to someone who is mean, selfish or dishonest, how can it be that they shoulder all of the blame for your hurt feelings? You’re the one who chose to put yourself in that situation. This piece isn’t about fussing at you or chastising you. What I want you to take from this is that you are in control of your life. Take some responsibility for yourself! When things go bad, don’t just put the blame off on someone else. You make your own decisions, so when it comes to your mate, CHOOSE WISELY. It will save you a lot of heartache in the long run.
Where does our civic responsibility begin? What is required of us just based on being a citizen of the world? How much concern should we show for our fellow citizens? How much should we allow to go on around us without taking any action? How close does the offense have to be to you before you deem it necessary for you to respond to it? Will you call 911 if you see someone being assaulted on the streets? Will you speak up for the student who is constantly bullied at school? If your friend is about to do something morally wrong or illegal, would you try to stop them? What if there is a problem plaguing your community, would you take steps to solve it?
There’s a show called What Would You Do? that comes on ABC. It’s a hidden camera show that sets up different scenarios to see how people will react. On one episode, they set up a situation where a little girl was getting abducted. It was the middle of the day on a fairly busy street. A man was struggling with a little girl, and she was screaming, “Somebody help! You’re not my dad!” It took hours before someone tried to help the seven-year-old girl. I was stunned. How detached are we from each other that we can see a little girl who could possibly be in serious trouble and not do anything? I’m not saying that they should have tried to physically stop the man, but at least they could have called the police. I know that we don’t always know what the situation is and that little girl could have just been a child defying her parent, but I believe it is better to be safe than sorry. Call the police and let them sort it out. When the show’s host interviewed the people who just kept walking, most of them said that they thought someone else would do something. That’s probably how a lot of us feel about the ills that we see every day.
The problem with the idea that someone else will do something is that nothing ever gets done. I know that we don’t have the time to take up EVERY cause, but I challenge you to decide on at least one thing that you would like to change and start taking steps to change it. Sometimes, trying to make any kind of change can seem like a daunting task, but just start with baby steps. As with any long journey, it starts with a single step. Once you take that initial step, the others will become easier, and before you know it, you will be well on your way to accomplishing something great.
How many things do you see or hear every day that bother you? Whatever your answer to that question is the number of opportunities that you have to improve the world around you. Of the things that trouble you, what upsets you the most? This could be where you should direct your energy because it is possibly something that you are passionate about, and when the road gets tough, it’s easier to fight for something that you care deeply about versus some arbitrary cause. Now that you’ve chosen a cause to take up, are you part of the problem? If so, the first change you need to make is within yourself. Doing this can make a huge impact on those around you because it gives you and your cause so much more credibility. I think we’ve all encountered people telling us how to live our lives, but not practicing what they preach. This makes their admonitions less affective because they don’t even believe enough in what they’re saying to take their own advice. When people see that you believe something so strongly that it changes you, they will take note.
So, I ask you again, where does your civic responsibility begin? How much nonsense are you willing to allow to go on around you without doing anything about it? Does something have to “hit close to home” before you decide it requires your attention? Whatever the case may be, when all of the factors fall into place and you decide that something needs to be done, will you step up and do it?
believe that it did. Even if it didn’t, a lot of people were surprised that he made those remarks because they expected him to take the easy way out and not say anything. Well, by making coming out on Friday and making those remarks, President Obama showed that he would not cower away from this difficult conversation, and he also invigorated those who agreed with his comments.
