This morning I was listening to The Breakfast Club and they posed the question: is once a ho always a ho a true statement? They took calls on the topic and it sounded like the audience was pretty split on the issue. I am, too. I’m not torn due to not knowing if someone can change their behavior, but more so because I don’t know if a person can change their reputation. So my answer depends a lot on if we’re just talking about a reputation or a person’s actions.
If this is purely about actions then I absolutely believe that a person can change. People do it all the time. Anyone can have an epiphany that leads them down a different path.
The problem is that just because you have new actions you may not get a new reputation to match- at least not right away. People are very critical of one another, and they won’t easily forget any indiscretions. Sometimes they will hold onto them and bring them up months or even years later. So even if the girl’s actions are no longer ho-ish she may have an extremely hard time changing her reputation.
The good thing is that as we adopt better habits and stick to them, people will begin to associate those things with us. So even if you don’t have a brand new rep you can at least update the old one with some good characteristics.
The moral of the story? Try not to do things that you aren’t proud of because they have a tendency to follow you. Whenever I hear people bring up things that I’ve done that embarrass me, I think of it as something that I probably shouldn’t have done. The flip side to this is also remembering not to put too much stock in what people think of you or say about you because some of them will find fault in anything that you do. Once a ho, always a ho? Maybe, maybe not. But don’t gamble with your reputation for the sake of finding out.
You know how they say life and death are in the power of the tongue? Meaning the things that you say can largely affect the outcome of a situation. That’s a true statement, but I am inclined to believe that it doesn’t go far enough. Failure and success are determined largely by our thoughts. The words don’t even have to make it out of our mouths.
People who tell themselves negative things will often get negative results. It’s hard enough to overcome the negative thoughts and actions of others, so having to overcome negativity in your own mind can make a difficult obstacle seem insurmountable. There’s no need to put that extra pressure on yourself.
We all come from different situations. Some of us may have better support systems than others, but we all have the capacity to create success no matter how many people we have cheering us on. Cheerleaders are great, but it’s the players who win the game. In your life you’re the one who decides whether you’re a winner or loser. That’s something you make up in your own mind, so you’d better get your mind right.
Wining about how hard it is, procrastinating, selling yourself short, internalizing the negativity of others– ain’t nobody got time for that! If you want to accomplish something, just make your mind up and do it. It’s that simple. So, if you’re struggling with something, something that you really want to do and know that you can do, stop it. Stop struggling. Stop complaining. Stop procrastinating. Stop sabotaging your success. Take a minute to get your mind right. Then just go handle your business.
I have a confession to make. When I decided to go natural it wasn’t about trying to stop exposing my body to so many chemicals. Nor was it about learning to embrace the way my hair grows out of my head. It wasn’t this great spiritual journey that I wanted to embark upon to be closer to God. It was about one thing – money. One day I was looking at my budget and I was trying to figure out some places that I could save money. The $150+ per month that I was spending on visits to the salon seemed like the perfect place to start. Now, if it weren’t for this trend of Black women going natural and embracing their natural hair, I may have never considered that an option, but I wasn’t getting into it for any of the profound reasons that a lot of people mentioned. I just needed to save some bread. Fueled by the idea of having some extra money in my pocket, I decided to begin my natural journey.
The transition period was a struggle because having hair with two completely different textures was a styling nightmare. Because I was having such a hard time, I didn’t really enjoy anything about it. Since I started with short hair and I’ve never really been afraid to cut my hair, I decided to just cut all of the permed hair off and dive right into being fully natural. That’s when everything changed. I was so surprised and impressed by the versatility of my hair that I was wondering why anyone ever got a perm in the first place. The more I got to know my hair, the more I loved it. I could swim, workout, and get caught in the rain without having to worry about it. Discovering something about myself and just loving it more and more as I got to know it has been an incredible experience. Because I am so happy with my hair, I want to nurture it and watch it become better and better.
I’ve had a similar experience with my writing. It’s something that I just recently started doing, but when I saw that I enjoyed it and that it’s a way for me to touch people, I began to love it even more. I want to do it more often and nurture the skill so that I can realize my full potential as a writer. As women, we often spend so much time fretting about the things that we don’t like about ourselves. We need to take a moment to find something that we do like and strive to make it better. The process can make you fall in love with yourself and who you have the potential to become. Every woman should know what it feels like to fall in love. Who better to start with than yourself?
It seems like most people think that they are good listeners. I know I do, but if I’m completely honest, I also know that when I’m angry I suck at listening. A lot of times I may talk over people or listen to what they say but instead of trying to understand and digest what they’re saying, I’m actually just thinking of what I’m going to say in response. When in a relationship, it’s a certainty that your mate will upset you and some form of conflict may ensue. It may be a calm discussion, a heated argument or a spirited debate, but either way both of you are going to need to be able to listen in order to come to a meaningful resolution. So, my piece of advice to you is to shut up and listen – REALLY listen.
My two main issues are talking over people and making a mental list of my rebuttal to every point they make. Both of these things make me a bad listener because neither allows me to actually hear what they’re saying. Of course I hear them talking, but I’m not really putting an effort into taking in what they’re trying to tell me. That makes it more difficult to find common ground, which is the whole point of a meaningful argument in the first place. So the next time you find yourself having a disagreement, try to put your agenda on hold for a minute and make an honest effort at trying to understand what the person is trying to tell you. If you’re used to flying off the handle all of the time, you may find this a little difficult at first, but keep trying. Really listening, and doing it consistently, will help you resolve conflicts faster and may help you better understand the people with whom you’re arguing. So the next time you’re in the middle of a debate and you feel yourself about to go off, shut up, calm your nerves, check your emotions and listen to what the other person is trying to say. It’s worth it.
When giving people advice on finding love, gaining confidence, or just enjoying life, one of the most popular pieces of advice offered is that you have to love and be happy with yourself. Loving yourself is comprised of having a positive self-image and accepting the things about yourself that you can’t change. When you love yourself it doesn’t necessarily mean that you think you are perfect and therefore don’t need to strive to become better. It just means that you are aware of your value and you know that you have things to offer. It means that though you may strive to change some things about yourself in an effort to make improvements, you still accept and appreciate who you are inside and out.
Why is it so important to love yourself? It’s important because your view of yourself has an enormous impact on your view of the world. When you don’t see yourself properly, when you don’t see the beauty in yourself and all of the gifts that you have to offer, you often won’t be able to see the beauty in the world around you. When you don’t have a clear view of the world, it can lead you to make bad decisions – decisions that aren’t fully based in reality because they are skewed by your somewhat unrealistic/negative view of the world.
Lil Kim is a prime example of what having a negative self-image can do to a person. She didn’t think that she was beautiful, so she tried to change the way she looked. She has gone through several transformations, so it seems that no matter how much she changes her physical appearance, she fails to achieve the look that she wants. Lil Kim went from being a beautiful young woman to a caricature that people laugh at all because her decisions were skewed by a negative self-image. She played herself, and will continue to do so until she learns to love herself.
The whole idea of loving yourself in order to find happiness may seem somewhat idealistic to some, but it really is a necessity. A lot of people make the mistake of searching for someone or something outside of themselves to make them happy, but that happiness is fleeting because it is only there for as long as that exterior factor is around. When you love and are happy with yourself, your happiness isn’t dependent upon outside factors. That means that you can be happy no matter what your situation may be. When you don’t have that, you often end up settling for less than you deserve, making poor relationship decisions, or even worse, harming yourself physically. All of those things fall into the same category as Lil Kim and all her plastic surgery – playing yourself. Don’t play yourself. Love yourself.
There’s an old saying that goes: “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife.” Today, we’re going to explore why that’s largely a true statement, and see what characteristics determine to which category people belong. As a disclaimer, let me say that I know that you all are young and being a wife isn’t at the top of your to-do list right now, but, I also don’t think any of you are jumping at the chance to be considered a ho. Now, let’s get started.
What makes a ho a ho?
Contrary to popular belief, a girl/woman isn’t considered a ho simply because she’s messed around with a lot of guys. That’s a contributing factor, but it’s definitely not the only factor. Some of you may even know someone who people consider promiscuous who isn’t even messing around like that. So, how is it that someone who doesn’t really mess with a lot of guys be considered a ho? It’s because she carries herself like one.
How do hos carry themselves?
Oh honey, you already know the answer to this question. All you need to do is log onto Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or YouTube and you will see examples EVERYWHERE. How many status updates have you seen that are just trifling? How many twerk videos have been posted for the world to see? It’s not just on the internet, though. You can walk down the street and see the tale-tell signs. What’s your first thought when you see the girl in skimpy clothing that shows more than it covers? What about the one who is ALWAYS finding her way to a group of guys just to have a less-than-respectable conversation with ALL of them. ALL was a key word in that last sentence because it’s going to take us to our next category. What makes any girl think that flirting (or doing more) with an entire group of guys is okay? It’s because she has a ho mentality.
What is a ho mentality?
It’s the way of thinking that leads women to do the things that I described above. They don’t think like a woman with class. Therefore, they don’t act like a woman with class. Even worse, they may actually think like a woman with class but choose to act otherwise just to get male attention. Either way, through their actions, they are telling the world to treat them a certain way, and please believe me when I tell you that the boys/men in their lives are treating them accordingly. To be honest, I don’t know the ins and outs of their mentality, but I do know the major flaw in it. That type of mentality is one that tells them that when it comes to getting a man that they should lead with their bodies.
What makes a housewife a housewife?
In more general terms, what are the characteristics of a girl whom a guy will consider dating seriously/making a commitment to? This song does a pretty good job of describing that type of girl:
Okay, let’s go through some of those lyrics to see what type of woman dead prez described.
I don’t want nobody who can’t get up on my level/who can’t overstand my rebel soul…. I think she want me/school me/jewel me/feed me wisdom/drop it on me – This says to me that this man doesn’t want to be with someone who can’t keep up with him intellectually. It also sounds like he’s interested in someone who can listen well enough to get to know him and understand and accept who he is. I think that makes sense. As women, we all want to feel like we have someone that we can talk to and who understands us. Why would we expect it to be any different for men? In addition to being able to keep up with him intellectually, he described a woman who can introduce him to new things.
Got no time for dumbing down/her brilliance keep coming out…. She ain’t ashamed of her nerd side/Her body and her mind fine – The woman that’s described here is not only intelligent, but she’s also comfortable with that intelligence. She doesn’t try to dumb herself down or act ditzy in an effort to attract a guy or make those around her feel more comfortable. She is also beautiful mentally and physically.
Look inside her beautiful mind/fly design/watch her shine/fine wine/better with time…. She’s so wise/thick in the thighs/politicized/beautiful eyes/ambitious/so delicious/motivated, oh baby, analytical/critical thinker – They aren’t just talking about her intellectual prowess. They show a man who is appreciating the physical as well as mental beauty of a woman. Guys love to marvel at girls who are beautiful, but when they are in it for more than just the physical, they will marvel at your mental assets, too.
A lot of these beautiful girls be freaks but weak in the mind/ Hers is strong. – Now, this is a big one. This speaks to your boundaries. How far are you willing to go to get the guy you want? Are you willing to compromise your morals and values just because he asks you to and you don’t want to say no? There are girls out here playing themselves because they think giving in to someone’s every desire makes them desirable. It may make them desirable, but not for the right reasons. Most of those girls are viewed as temporary solutions and are not a permanent fixture in a guy’s life. These few lines are describing someone who values herself and holds fast to her boundaries. Having boundaries and not crossing them for anyone will earn you respect. Being respected is much more valuable than just being lusted after.
Why can’t you turn a ho into a housewife?
She doesn’t have the right mentality. She acts like the best of what she has to offer is what’s under her clothes. She’s not thinking like a woman who knows that her best asset is her mind. One of the characteristics of a good wife is the ability to help a man build a life. When working as a team to build anything, you have to bring intellect, wisdom, cooperation, and respect to the table. To be considered for a wife position, you have to lead with those things. A woman has to have a certain type of mentality to make that possible, and a ho mentality just doesn’t fit the bill. Therefore, even long before a guy is ready to settle down and get married, you will find that he still categorizes the women he interacts with. He’s not going to try to have anything significant with a girl that he sees as a ho because he knows that she’s not thinking like someone that he can have a real future with, and she probably doesn’t carry herself like someone that he will be proud to have on his arm. Hos are usually dealt with in the dark. Strive to be the type of woman who walks in the light.
If your boyfriend is horrible, it’s probably all your fault. Now that I’ve put that out there, let’s qualify what it means to be a horrible boyfriend. If he cheats on you, lies to you, disrespects you, continuously takes you for granted, or just completely fails at being anything close to the boyfriend that you actually want, he’s most likely a horrible boyfriend. So, like I said before, if you have a horrible boyfriend, I’m willing to bet that it’s all your fault. Is it your fault that he’s dishonest enough to cheat? No. Is it your fault that he doesn’t respect or appreciate you? No. Is it your fault that he’s just not even in the same ballpark as the type of person that you think of when you think of the ideal boyfriend? Of course not. Is it your fault that he’s YOUR boyfriend? YES!!!
In our society, it’s common practice to discuss – extensively – the shortcomings of men, especially when it comes to relationships. Sayings like “All men are dogs” are common place. It’s such a norm that when I typed “all men” in the Google search bar, some of the suggested searches were “all men cheat” and “all men are liars”. I hope that I don’t have to tell you that this isn’t true, but just in case let me be clear. IT’S NOT TRUE. There are definitely plenty of good guys in the world, but because a lot of us have had some unpleasant experiences, the good get lumped together with the bad, and women get to dodge all responsibility in picking a mate.
As young women, you’re just starting to enter the world of dating, and some of you may be considering entering a steady relationship with someone. I want to give you a little piece of reality that so many women – young and old – seem not to have. If a guy shows you exactly who he is and/or tells you exactly what he wants and those things don’t correspond to what you want and you choose to be in a relationship with him anyway, it is absolutely your fault that you are unhappy in your situation. Let’s go over a couple of examples where this rule applies.
Example #1: You want a boyfriend, someone to be committed to only you and you’re dating a guy who says that he’s not ready to settle down. Instead of accepting what he said and moving on or continuing to date him casually, you decide to try to wear him down until he commits to you. Finally, he says he’ll be your man, but you later find out he’s cheating on you. The hurt you experience will be partially your fault. True, he shouldn’t have agreed to do something he really didn’t want to do, i.e. be in a relationship, but you shouldn’t have tried to change him into what you wanted instead of just waiting until a guy who wanted the same things you do came along.
Example #2: You’re dating a guy, and he is saying all of the right things. He’s charming, funny, and down to earth. You guys have a great time when you’re together, but sometimes when you ask him a question, you get the feeling that he’s lying. You ignore the feeling and keep kicking it with him. Eventually, you catch him in a lie, but you forgive him and continue to hang out. Soon, you know that he’s constantly lying to you. Now you’re angry and feeling betrayed, but isn’t it your fault that you’re in so deep when you knew you were being played? Yep. It sure is. If your intuition says that something isn’t right, don’t ignore it, especially if it keeps happening. Tell your dude how you’re feeling, and see what happens. If his shady behavior continues, why would you keep subjecting yourself to it?
We often settle for people who aren’t good for us because we don’t want to be alone or we feel like they’re the best we can do. When they hurt us or disappoint us, we often put all of the blame on them. Of course they are responsible for their actions, but so are you. If you choose to spend your time and give your affection to someone who is mean, selfish or dishonest, how can it be that they shoulder all of the blame for your hurt feelings? You’re the one who chose to put yourself in that situation. This piece isn’t about fussing at you or chastising you. What I want you to take from this is that you are in control of your life. Take some responsibility for yourself! When things go bad, don’t just put the blame off on someone else. You make your own decisions, so when it comes to your mate, CHOOSE WISELY. It will save you a lot of heartache in the long run.
Where does our civic responsibility begin? What is required of us just based on being a citizen of the world? How much concern should we show for our fellow citizens? How much should we allow to go on around us without taking any action? How close does the offense have to be to you before you deem it necessary for you to respond to it? Will you call 911 if you see someone being assaulted on the streets? Will you speak up for the student who is constantly bullied at school? If your friend is about to do something morally wrong or illegal, would you try to stop them? What if there is a problem plaguing your community, would you take steps to solve it?
There’s a show called What Would You Do? that comes on ABC. It’s a hidden camera show that sets up different scenarios to see how people will react. On one episode, they set up a situation where a little girl was getting abducted. It was the middle of the day on a fairly busy street. A man was struggling with a little girl, and she was screaming, “Somebody help! You’re not my dad!” It took hours before someone tried to help the seven-year-old girl. I was stunned. How detached are we from each other that we can see a little girl who could possibly be in serious trouble and not do anything? I’m not saying that they should have tried to physically stop the man, but at least they could have called the police. I know that we don’t always know what the situation is and that little girl could have just been a child defying her parent, but I believe it is better to be safe than sorry. Call the police and let them sort it out. When the show’s host interviewed the people who just kept walking, most of them said that they thought someone else would do something. That’s probably how a lot of us feel about the ills that we see every day.
The problem with the idea that someone else will do something is that nothing ever gets done. I know that we don’t have the time to take up EVERY cause, but I challenge you to decide on at least one thing that you would like to change and start taking steps to change it. Sometimes, trying to make any kind of change can seem like a daunting task, but just start with baby steps. As with any long journey, it starts with a single step. Once you take that initial step, the others will become easier, and before you know it, you will be well on your way to accomplishing something great.
How many things do you see or hear every day that bother you? Whatever your answer to that question is the number of opportunities that you have to improve the world around you. Of the things that trouble you, what upsets you the most? This could be where you should direct your energy because it is possibly something that you are passionate about, and when the road gets tough, it’s easier to fight for something that you care deeply about versus some arbitrary cause. Now that you’ve chosen a cause to take up, are you part of the problem? If so, the first change you need to make is within yourself. Doing this can make a huge impact on those around you because it gives you and your cause so much more credibility. I think we’ve all encountered people telling us how to live our lives, but not practicing what they preach. This makes their admonitions less affective because they don’t even believe enough in what they’re saying to take their own advice. When people see that you believe something so strongly that it changes you, they will take note.
So, I ask you again, where does your civic responsibility begin? How much nonsense are you willing to allow to go on around you without doing anything about it? Does something have to “hit close to home” before you decide it requires your attention? Whatever the case may be, when all of the factors fall into place and you decide that something needs to be done, will you step up and do it?
People spend a lot of time talking about celebrities, and one of the things that they mention a lot is whether or not celebrities have to take on the responsibility of being a role model. The thought is that they have so many people watching them live their lives that they should behave in a way that inspires people to do great things, not bad ones. Our society spends so much time trying to place this duty on the famous that we completely ignore the fact that we are all shouldered with this responsibility. They say that celebrities have people watching them every day. Well who doesn’t? We all interact with people on a regular basis and some of those people are looking at us and letting our actions influence decisions that they make about their own lives.
With that being said, take a moment to think about who might be looking at you and basing some of their decisions on the actions that they’ve seen you take. Your list may include people like a younger sibling, a few of your friends, or maybe some kid from your neighborhood that likes to follow you around. Now that you have those people in mind, what type of influence do you want to have on them? I hope that you want to influence them to do things like be the best version of themselves, follow their dreams, and enjoy life. You could also inspire someone to love and value themselves more or stop spending so much time worrying about what others think of them and just work on being the type of person that they are proud to be. No matter what you decide you want to motivate others to do, the easiest way to inspire someone to do something is to start doing that thing yourself. When people see you pursuing your passions, making positive changes in your life or helping others, it may inspire them to do the same.
There is a popular quote that says, “BE the change you want to see in the world.” It doesn’t say talk about the change or wish things would change. It says BE the change, and being anything requires some action on your part. So work on being the type of person you wish the world was filled with, and do the things that you wish more people would do. Soon you will find that those around you may start commenting on your actions and even implementing some of them in their own life. I also think that you will be surprised by some of the people who are watching you and are inspired by you. Sure, words and speeches are used all the time to try to incite people to do all sorts of things. There are plenty of celebrity reporters and pop culture analysts discussing the merits of having celebrities like Rihanna and Beyonce as role models. While they’re having that discussion and throwing around a bunch of words that aren’t moving people to do anything, you can be using your actions to inspire those around you to follow their dreams because you know that your greatest influence is WHAT YOU DO, NOT WHAT YOU SAY.
Guns click-clacking, all day trapping, money stacking, so-called rapping
Gum popping, booty dropping, man hating, always debating
A million kids… she must stay ovulating!
The hood star. The ghetto queen.
Who come from a place where the streets are mean.
They’re everywhere to be seen,
Shown on every single screen.
Described in CDs
Coming soon to a theater near you. They can be seen in 3-D.
Every night on every channel; they call it “reality” TV.
Sure, for some, it really is their life
Not poking fun at their plight
Just emphasizing a point that I wish others might.
I’m aware that to some we all look alike.
But unlike what we constantly see on TV and computer screens
We are not all living one big dysfunctional life.
What I’m asking you to do is to make the choice of how you define you.
Are you going to model yourself after the latest World Star sensation?
How about the hip hop star whose song is on every station,
Often spewing pure idiocy over the radio waves of the nation?
Gold all in your watch or gold all in your grill…
Is that the definition of you that’s real?
How ‘bout Fendi, Gucci, Louis, Prada?
Will brands become your identity like cattle headed for slaughter?
These are the days in which you figure out the ways
To determine how to set the stage to move your life into a phase
Where people can look at you and be amazed!!!
Not by your stupidity, but by your brilliance.
I’m asking you to develop strong character and integrity that’s resilient.
Because there will be times when you’re tested.
But do the work so as not to be bested
By those who saw more in themselves than you see within you.
To make a long story short, don’t model your life
After those who will obviously do anything for views and likes.
Require more of yourself than learning the tools of fools whose only vocation…
Is trying to become the next internet sensation.
torn due to not knowing if someone can change their behavior, but more so because I don’t know if a person can change their reputation. So my answer depends a lot on if we’re just talking about a reputation or a person’s actions.
