I’m not one of those people who is always in and out of relationships, but when I am in one I try to make it work. Oftentimes, making a relationship work requires some hard work by the individuals in it. Being selfless by compromising and remembering to have the other person’s best interests at heart can sometimes be hard to do. Choosing to tell the hard truth instead of the easy lie can also be a tough task, but maintaining open and honest communication is paramount in making a relationship work. All of those things can be difficult, but what I have the most trouble with is deciding when the relationship is no longer worth the trouble of trying to make it work.

I know that I write these articles to give you advice based on my experiences, but the best advice that I can give you in this situation is that no one else can really tell you when to tap out of your relationship. They can’t  tell you because they don’t know your situation like you do. Figuring out when to walk away from someone you care about means deciding when the  rewards are no longer worth the effort required, and an outside party isn’t really qualified to make that decision for you. What friends and family will be able tell you are the changes they see in you that may be due to your relationship. When you’re all in love and everything is great, people can see it. The same goes for when things are stressful and tense, so if someone that knows you well mentions that you seem a little off your game, you should take note. You should also pay attention to how you feel about your relationship. If you feel optimistic about things in spite of any problems that the two of you are having, chances are there is still a possibility that things can work. On the other hand, if every time you even think about your partner you just feel exhausted, or you don’t want to tell them things because you know it will cause a huge fight, things may be heading south. Another important piece of the puzzle is understanding how your mate feels about you and what you have together. It doesn’t matter how committed you may be to working things out, if he doesn’t feel the same, you’re just wasting your time.

The most important thing that you need to remember when pondering the fate of your relationship is that there will be good times and bad time. Through it all you should feel like you aren’t in it alone, you aren’t fighting for it by yourself, and no matter what, you know that things will get better between you.  If those things aren’t true, you may be reaching the point where trying to salvage things isn’t worth the effort. If and when you get to that point, you’ve got to be willing to walk away and know that you did the right thing.

-Tiffany Vicks

People spend a lot of time talking about celebrities, and one of the things that they mention a lot is whether or not celebrities have to take on the responsibility of being a role model. The thought is that they have so many people watching them live their lives that they should behave in a way that inspires people to do great things, not bad ones. Our society spends so much time trying to place this duty on the famous that we completely ignore the fact that we are all shouldered with this responsibility. They say that celebrities have people watching them every day. Well who doesn’t? We all interact with people on a regular basis and some of those people are looking at us and letting our actions influence decisions that they make about their own lives.

With that being said, take a moment to think about who might be looking at you and basing some of their decisions on the actions that they’ve seen you take. Your list may include people like a younger sibling, a few of your friends, or maybe some kid from your neighborhood that likes to follow you around. Now that you have those people in mind, what type of influence do you want to have on them? I hope that you want to influence them to do things like be the best version of themselves, follow their dreams, and enjoy life. You could also inspire someone to love and value themselves more or stop spending so much time worrying about what others think of them and just work on being the type of person that they are proud to be. No matter what you decide you want to motivate others to do, the easiest way to inspire someone to do something is to start doing that thing yourself. When people see you pursuing your passions, making positive changes in your life or helping others, it may inspire them to do the same.

There is a popular quote that says, “BE the change you want to see in the world.” It doesn’t say talk about the change or wish things would change. It says BE the change, and being anything requires some action on your part. So work on being the type of person you wish the world was filled with, and do the things that you wish more people would do. Soon you will find that those around you may start commenting on your actions and even implementing some of them in their own life. I also think that you will be surprised by some of the people who are watching you and are inspired by you. Sure, words and speeches are used all the time to try to incite people to do all sorts of things. There are plenty of celebrity reporters and pop culture analysts discussing the merits of having celebrities like Rihanna and Beyonce as role models. While they’re having that discussion and throwing around a bunch of words that aren’t moving people to do anything, you can be using your actions to inspire those around you to follow their dreams because you know that your greatest influence is WHAT YOU DO, NOT WHAT YOU SAY.

You loved him. I mean for real for real loved him. You knew you were going to be together forever. Your relationship was perfect….until it wasn’t. Somewhere along the way things started to go south. He didn’t call as much. The arguments became more frequent. Then you started not to care that he didn’t call as much. Slowly but surely, your perfect relationship started to unravel. Your perfect boyfriend showed himself to be not so perfect or maybe just not so perfect for you. Whatever the case may be, you’ve moved on. You’re with a new guy, and you know that this time is going to be different. This time is going to be better. If you’re going about this relationship thing the right way, it probably will be.

What do I mean by the right way? I’m saying that you should learn something from every relationship that you’re in. If things don’t work out, you don’t have to walk away empty-handed. You should be able to take the experience with you. Even he turned out not to be your Prince Charming, maybe he brought something to the table that you realize is now a requirement for every other person that you date. Or it could be the other way around. Maybe he did something that you know you will not tolerate going forward. In addition to learning about your likes and dislikes as far as a mate is concerned, you should also learn things about yourself. Do you have a habit that was a deal-breaker for your ex? Are you happy with the way you carried yourself throughout the relationship? Did you make compromises that you shouldn’t have? What did you do that was positive? How will you make sure that you do more of that in the future? These are all questions that you should ask yourself after a breakup. That way you will be able to take all of this knowledge into your next relationship and make it that much better.

Now, you’ve got a new love. He’s everything that you hoped for. You’re everything that he’s ever wanted. But did you remember to bring along your bags? I’m not talking about the pain you felt from the breakup. Nor am I referring to the distrust that you have for your ex that you’re projecting onto all guys. No, that’s bad baggage. That’s stuff that should be resolved during your time between relationships, stuff that you should leave in the past as you take time to heal. I’m asking did you remember to bring along your good baggage – all of the things that you learned about yourself and what you expect from others. If you remember to bring along that baggage, and actually use the tools found within those bags, your new relationship will be better than your last.
There are two things that I want you to take from this:

1. The end of your relationship is not the end of the world. I can understand that you’re disappointed that things didn’t work out, but you have to keep moving forward. Take all of the time that you need to work through your feelings and deal with whatever pain you may have. Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and look forward to the good things to come.
2. Make sure that you evaluate your past relationship so that you can make your next one even better. Figure out what worked and what didn’t. Accept responsibility for your part in its failure. Learn to forgive yourself and others for the mistakes that were made, and carry all of those lessons with you. And please don’t forget your good baggage!

• Tiffany Vicks

I have a two year old nephew who is one of the cutest and sweetest little boys you ever want to meet. All of that cuteness is masking a serious character flaw. He is stingy. He’s the type of kid that will play with a toy, put it down to play with another toy that he likes more, but will forget all about the better toy if he sees someone start to play with the first toy that HE WALKED AWAY FROM. He runs over and snatches it away from whoever has it, but then he just stands there like he doesn’t know what to do. That’s probably because now that he has it he realized that he didn’t really want it in the first place. So he goes to look for the toy that he really wanted, but it’s gone. I don’t get it. He had the opportunity to move on to bigger and better things – actually had them in his grasp – but he missed out on them because he was too concerned with what was in his past. He’s two, so he’s got some time to get himself together, but what about the 22, 32, or 42 year olds who do the same thing?

My nephew does this because he’s stingy and doesn’t want anyone else playing with his toys. I believe older people do this for a lot of different reasons. The two that I encounter most often are fear and laziness. I have been in a lot of situations where I have hoped for something better. Sometimes it was something as simple wanting new clothes or shoes. Other times, I’ve prayed for a different job, or some other opportunity that I felt would move me up to the next level in my life. Here’s the thing, though. Every time I have been blessed to receive something that I asked for to upgrade my life, it required more of me. I buy new clothes, shoes, or some big ticket item; I have to put in work to pay for it. I get a promotion, it comes with more responsibility. I get a great new job that pays more; I have to move.
Sometimes, I get what I ask for, but I’m so intimidated by what it requires of me that I consider putting it down and running back to what I left behind. My most recent example of this was a bout with laziness, not fear. I love music, especially hip hop. For a very long time, I have wanted to learn how to DJ. Not long ago, the opportunity to learn just fell into my lap. I was so excited about it the first few weeks, but it started getting a little rough to work a full day then go spend another 4 or more hours at DJ training. I was thinking about not going one day a few weeks ago, but it hit me that this was something that I asked for. It’s an opportunity to move things in a different direction… to step up to the next level. Who do I think I am to ask for something then turn it down or squander the opportunity when I actually get it? I had to check myself.  Since then, I’ve been making it to every class and really enjoying them. A few hours ago, I was on the phone with a friend. She was saying that she wants another job, a better job, but is a little afraid to leave the company where she’s comfortable, even though she doesn’t like her current position. If she let’s fear keep her stagnant, who knows what she’ll be missing out on.

The Bible says that to whom much is given, much is required. Sometimes in order to reap the benefits of the things that we asked for and were fortunate enough to receive, we have to give more of ourselves. Don’t let excuses fueled by fear and laziness keep you from the greatness that you’re meant to achieve.

Internet Sensation

Guns click-clacking, all day trapping, money stacking, so-called rapping
Gum popping, booty dropping, man hating, always debating
A million kids… she must stay ovulating!
The hood star. The ghetto queen.
Who come from a place where the streets are mean.
They’re everywhere to be seen,
Shown on every single screen.

Described in CDs
Coming soon to a theater near you. They can be seen in 3-D.
Every night on every channel; they call it “reality” TV.
Sure, for some, it really is their life
Not poking fun at their plight
Just emphasizing a point that I wish others might.
I’m aware that to some we all look alike.
But unlike what we constantly see on TV and computer screens
We are not all living one big dysfunctional life.

What I’m asking you to do is to make the choice of how you define you.
Are you going to model yourself after the latest World Star sensation?
How about the hip hop star whose song is on every station,
Often spewing pure idiocy over the radio waves of the nation?
Gold all in your watch or gold all in your grill…
Is that the definition of you that’s real?
How ‘bout Fendi, Gucci, Louis, Prada?
Will brands become your identity like cattle headed for slaughter?

These are the days in which you figure out the ways
To determine how to set the stage to move your life into a phase
Where people can look at you and be amazed!!!
Not by your stupidity, but by your brilliance.
I’m asking you to develop strong character and integrity that’s resilient.
Because there will be times when you’re tested.
But do the work so as not to be bested
By those who saw more in themselves than you see within you.

To make a long story short, don’t model your life
After those who will obviously do anything for views and likes.
Require more of yourself than learning the tools of fools whose only vocation…
Is trying to become the next internet sensation.

• Tiffany Vicks

It liked it happened in slow motion. “He” walked over to you…. no he glided over to your locker as the final bell rung. You knew he was up to something because you caught him glancing at you a little too long in the middle of Mr. Jones notes. As he opened his mouth the only thing you could hear was “Like to go out Friday night?” Simply ignoring where he wanted to take you or what time, you shyly and cooly replied, “sure, why not?” He grins, turns the corner and secretly gives his boy who was eavesdropping a head nod to confirm you said “yes.” All you can do is tell yourself robotically “1. Stop staring after him. 2. Slowly close the locker 3. Please hold your scream until you reach your car.”

Ok so you made it through the 3 step process, called all your homegirls and let out a very high pitched scream in the solitude of your car, now what?? Now you have a week to digest it all and come down to earth. The thought of your crush asking you on your first date is still surreal and gives you butterflies on a daily basis. But for the next 4 minutes I need you to lock in so your nerves can float away and you can enjoy it!

Background Check-Ok, so after you nodded your head agreeing yes, you realized that you forgot what you even agreed to. Was it bowling, movies, a game? Uh oh time to recap. Before the date make sure you get all the details of where,what and time. Not only is it for your safety and helps preps him before he meets the parentals but it gives you a better vibe of the date. Now you can know what to look forward to and mentally prepare for it.

Perfect Fit!– So you got the full background check and now it’s outfit time!Now, you know you’re going bowling and then grabbing a bite to eat afterwards. So you and your girls can make a day of girls time before “the date” happens. Have a few of your girls come over pick a comfy but suitable outfit and it even gives you a chance to get some of your extra nerves out of the way! So now you’ll be fully ready with your date with your dream ‘guy!’ When you know you look fresh on the outside, you’re more likely to relax and be able to focus on your date and not your appearance.

Have Fun!!- So, let’s see I have a secret for you! Guess What??He’s just excited as you are Trust me! I let you in on this insider tip, so you can realize how fly you are and that your job is not impress but simply be yourself and have fun! Talk, laugh, get to know him and just let your naturally fabulousness shine thru! I know the nerves are going to be there at first, but simply enjoy it! Get to know him and see if there would be second.

-C.O.R.E Family

Q: “Okay, I’ve known this guy for around 18 months now, he’s like my best mate. We do everything together. He knows everything about me from the guys I’ve liked to personal family problems. It’s the same way when it comes to him he feels really comfortable telling me about what’s going on in his life. It’s weird but I realized that I’ve started to like him as more than a friend…Problem is, I’m pretty sure our relationship is friend zoned – How can I change that? I can’t just *tell* him I like him, as it’d ruin our friendship completely. Now I act super self conscious and kind of awkward.Please help!! Tips on getting out of the friend zone?? How do I not ruin the friendship? How can I tell if it’s something deeper??” Nicole,15

Answer:

It seems like you are sharing a lot of things with him, including discussing other guys. Do you think he believes he is in the friend zone, as well? You stated you are “pretty sure” you are in the friend zone. Well that sounds like an assumption and it’s not got good to assume how someone feels!

I know you probably don’t want to hear this but sometimes you got to take a chance. There is only way to get out of friend zone and that’s basically being open about how you feel. Yes, there is a chance to lose a good friendship but you must weigh the options of what you want from the relationship. Do you want to remain just friends, or do you want more?

The situation is difficult because it’s a gamble, but what do you want? You want the friend or do you want the friend in a relationship?

Of course I am not telling you what to do, I can’t do that. But I just want you to think about your feelings in regards to the situation. Can your feelings handle the current friend zone situation or not?

-Joshua Love

It doesn’t matter what age you are, we all have endured bullying in some sort of way. From mean words being said to us to physical altercations, bullying is all over the place. The key to overcoming these situations is simply be confident. Ok, I get it. Being confident is much easier said than done but if you work on it a little each day you will be surprised how much you will grow as a person. Check out this vid on tips on being confident to get pass bullying.

I made a list of twenty things I wanted to do before I died recently. One thing about teenagers our ages is that, we rarely ever think about death as a plausible occurrence. When we are young, we feel as if we can live forever. I don’t like to think of not being on this Earth, I rather think of an idea worth living for. After I read my “things before I die” to my mother she told me her list. Her list, I might add, is AWESOME!! However, you can decide that for yourself…

 1. Go to Wimbledon Tennis Tournament

2. Go to the Cannes and Sundace Film Festival

3. Go to Australia

4. See the Grand Canyon

5. See Old Faithful

6. Take a Cruise to an Island

7. Go to Brazil (preferably for Carnival)

8. Swim in Lake Tahoe

9. Stay in a hotel that cost $1000 a night

10. Visit the 7 Wonders of the world

11. Eat at the most famous restaurant in 10 major cities around the world

12. Meet Barack Obama

13. Take a train tour of Eastern Europe

14. Take a road trip across the US and Canada

15. Take a helicopter ride over Alaska

16. Take a bike ride through Ireland

17. Go to Bucking Ham Palace

18. Visit every island on the planet

19. See a live volcano

20. See all your children accomplish their dreams in life

My list, I suppose, happened to be pretty juvenile. It might have been my mother and I’s age difference. Most of the things I want to do, she had already done. The list above, are twenty things MOST people on this planet will never accomplish. My goal is to try to let my mother experience these things before she dies of either cancer or old age.

What are your top twenty???

Iyanna James

It isn’t a hoax or a myth that one changes when they go to school. The transition of college to “casa” is even harder than the college transition itself.

With transitioning into college for example, you are from one stagnant location. The culture, people, and ways of life aren’t greatly changing at a rapid pace. You can visit Miami, Baltimore, Chicago, and Oakland and in 30 years you can feel as though nothing has changed. Yes, people may have grown taller and a neighborhood may have grown wider but those cities did not progress to the extent in which an active, young, mind can expand to. Because of this fact, when learning at a college out-of-town and especially out-of-state, you will exceed your hometown, or rather, the people in it.

Once you’ve gotten into college, you will begin to be yourself; you find people who look like you, think like you, share more than one interest, or simply are attracted to you just for being different! All out-cast find an in-crowd in college… too often are we subdued or perceived to be or act a certain way with hometown friends and fam. We are expected to always do something or take care of something that has been made routine for your life even if you haven’t felt that it was right for you to take on this responsibility. Someone may have always been the “mother figure” while at home but preferred to be the college student once they’ve gotten back. Some dynamics of the household totally change! Someone may also dislike the over-protective parent(s) who act the same way after their daughter has come back home. After we have lashed out in a suitable manner, partied hard, hung out late nights, stayed up till early mornings, slept over at a friends dorm or house, we don’t want to circum to the same boundaries, curfews, and restrictions we respected back in high school. Our parents are NOT understanding, NOT willing, and NOT RIGHT!

So you know what you do? You run way!

Ok, not literally, but you engage yourself into projects. If staying at home for any lengthy amount of time seems detrimental to your emotional, physical, and psychological well-being, you have the ability to stay away completely. Finding an internship with an organization, company, union or old high school allows you to stay busy and active. Simply studying abroad or going to your best friend’s house in another state can give new experiences, fun, and a big break from your fam. Do something to stay sane and satisfied.

9 times out of 10 if you do these things, including getting involved with sports in order to travel, compete, and stay fit you will A) gather the emotion you need in order to miss your friends and family at home or B) stay busy and leave maybe a cleared week where you spend time in your home town before going back to your internship or job and increase the power of your absence; allowing people to spend time with you which they will essentially value more. People love high maintenance.

Even if your situation is like mine: you get to leave the house at any time, drive, club, party, sleep over your friend’s house, speak freely, and date freely, college will still alter the connection you have with your friends, siblings, and parents.

If you’ve taken a course on “African Appreciation” with a friend, for example, you can come home, tell your mom, sisters and brothers and they will never learn to truly appreciate the class as you have. The connection between the people you love and your new friends for life, then, fall under the category of understanding. Your friend who has taken the class with you has partially gotten the same experience and digested the same concept of the classroom that you received. Therefore, they are more likely to connect with you as you both work towards intellectual progression. While our parents, siblings, and friends may grasp all you can tell them about a certain subject, at the end of the day they haven’t experienced your learning, trips, and environment for themselves.

The lack of experience is what tears all of us apart; jealousy, boastfulness, rude comments, advice, hate, joy, acceptance, denial, all come from specific experiences in our lives. The one’s who don’t go through the same thing or recognition of the same journey will ultimately grow apart from you out of disconnection.

This change and  expansion is something we all must respect to be true and real.
College to Casa can be a challenge, but always remember, home is where your heart is.

Iyanna James-Stephenson