Q: “My boyfriend and I have been official for about 3 months now. When it’s just us two by ourselves or out on a date he is the greatest boyfriend ever. He pays attention to me and is super sweet! The problem is when we get to school and he gets around his boys, he acts like I don’t even exist! He barely even notices me. But as soon as we are alone he can’t stay out of my face. I really really like him but I don’t know what to do. So my question is how come guys don’t claim their girlfriend when they’re around their friends? Why do guys act like their girlfriend doesn’t exist out in public?? What should I do?”

You ask, HE answers…Check out what Sam has to say about Why Guys Don’t Claim Their Girlfriend…..

A: There are four important things you need to know to help you figure out what you should do:

1. GUYS ARE WEIRD…we do pretty weird stuff for even weirder reasons…no explanation, just a fact of life
2. DON’T SETTLE!…only deal with what you can handle
3. COMMUNICATION…you have to let us know how you feel, we aren’t good guessers
4. GIRLS RUN THE WORLD…as a guy, I hate to admit it, but you do. The problem is, most don’t even realize they’re in control

Now that you know these things, let’s break down your situation…

Girls typically mature faster than the average guy so chances are you’re going to be mentally ready for things that will take him a while to catch up on. As a result, there could be a number of reasons why ‘you don’t exist’ when he’s around his friends. You might think GUYS ARE WEIRD because most don’t want to be seen as soft or lovey-dovey in front of the homies. We are way to tough to hold your hand around the boys and we are way to cool (most times) to be seen out and about with our girlfriends. Just remember this is natural; we just haven’t arrived at your level of maturity…yet.

Now that you know one of the many reasons why we act so funny, you should also be mindful of the next important point: if you don’t like what we do, can’t stand how we act, don’t accept it…DON’T SETTLE! In most cases, a guy worth keeping is going to respect you for laying down the law from time to time…don’t be to demanding or to mean, but we’d like to think there’s a challenge from day to day; we want things easy, but we don’t tend to like conflict or nagging much either. A good challenge is what makes life worth living for us.

For the rest of your life the importance of COMMUNICATION is going to be evident, especially when it comes to relationships. It doesn’t matter if you’re 14, 34 or 80 years old…you can’t have a good relationship with out talking out your issues. If you haven’t already, just ask him (politely of course) why he acts the way he does.

This is where GIRLS RUN THE WORLD comes into play. Since you run the world, you already know that he’s not as mature as you (don’t remind him though, he knows all too well already) an argument won’t get you anywhere. Just let him know you don’t like being treated that way…if he can’t accept it and work on improving it, he’s not worth your time. You are powerful because the only time we ever get away with anything is when you let us. Don’t allow us to run you over. You’re always in control, at least until you give us control. Since you have all this power, be gracious…kill us with kindness while putting your foot down when necessary…your reputation will thank you later.

Lastly, if all else fails (which it won’t), remember this: he’s not being fake towards you but rather towards his friends. The real him is the super sweet guy that pays you attention and not the one who acts like you barely exists when his boys are close by.

-Samuel Brown

Q: “Hey, I’m a 14 year old girl and I really like this guy. We have gone out once or twice and we both like each other. We started dating when we started high school. The only thing is we had an argument and he got back at me by going out with a girl in the year above…I know he doesn’t like her because he ALWAYS texts me and sends me sweet messages. I don’t know what to do…I really like him but don’t want to tell him.Should I tell him I want to be with him? It seems like he still likes me so should I believe him? What should I do?? Help! I like him so much”

A: Growing up is difficult and down right hard at times. Not long ago, I had a heart to heart with my thirteen year old sister so if you’ll allow me, I’ll tell you just like I told her:

The hardest pills I’ve had to swallow were those of hurt served intentionally by friends, family, strangers and or those who claimed to care for me. As a man of principle, its one thing to be caught off guard as a bystander or casualty, but it’s quite another to be attacked. I’m not a fan of revenge when it comes to relationships…revenge doesn’t solve anything in the long or short term. I think you have to be careful and unusually wary of the people who ‘get back at you’ in an attempt to feel better about themselves and try to justify their emotions by doing so. At this age, it’s hard to control your emotions…everyone makes mistakes and you should not rush to judge people. However, you’ve got to protect yourself from other people’s insecurity by being able to recognize it. You must also protect yourself from your feelings because they don’t always help you see clearly or think rationally.

To summarize all that, If I were you, I’d move on from liking someone who would get back at me with the intent of hurting me or getting even. If in time, things changed and we matured about what occurred, I’d give it some thought. This guy seems confused on what he really wants and I think you can probably do a lot better with someone who readily recognizes your worth and importance but ultimately has respect for you.

As I’ve stated in the past, guys…as well as girls, do weird things for even weirder reasons. It makes us human. I tend to think some drama in life is good…it’s builds character and it also allows us to learn about who we are as individuals and how resilient we can be when faced with day to day issues. Otherwise, life would be absolutely boring.

We need ups and downs to realize our potential and transfer that to our ‘kinetic’. Take care…hope this helps

-Sam

Q: “Okay, I’ve known this guy for around 18 months now, he’s like my best mate. We do everything together. He knows everything about me from the guys I’ve liked to personal family problems. It’s the same way when it comes to him he feels really comfortable telling me about what’s going on in his life. It’s weird but I realized that I’ve started to like him as more than a friend…Problem is, I’m pretty sure our relationship is friend zoned – How can I change that? I can’t just *tell* him I like him, as it’d ruin our friendship completely. Now I act super self conscious and kind of awkward.Please help!! Tips on getting out of the friend zone?? How do I not ruin the friendship? How can I tell if it’s something deeper??” Nicole,15

Answer:

It seems like you are sharing a lot of things with him, including discussing other guys. Do you think he believes he is in the friend zone, as well? You stated you are “pretty sure” you are in the friend zone. Well that sounds like an assumption and it’s not got good to assume how someone feels!

I know you probably don’t want to hear this but sometimes you got to take a chance. There is only way to get out of friend zone and that’s basically being open about how you feel. Yes, there is a chance to lose a good friendship but you must weigh the options of what you want from the relationship. Do you want to remain just friends, or do you want more?

The situation is difficult because it’s a gamble, but what do you want? You want the friend or do you want the friend in a relationship?

Of course I am not telling you what to do, I can’t do that. But I just want you to think about your feelings in regards to the situation. Can your feelings handle the current friend zone situation or not?

-Joshua Love

Q: “Hey, I’m a 14 year old girl and I really like this guy. We have gone out once or twice and we both like each other. We started dating when we started high school. The only thing is we had an argument and he got back at me by going out with a girl in the year above…I know he doesn’t like her because he ALWAYS texts me and sends me sweet messages. I don’t know what to do…I really like him but don’t want to tell him.Should I tell him I want to be with him? It seems like he still likes me so should I believe him? What should I do?? Help! I like him so much”

A: Growing up is difficult and down right hard at times. Not long ago, I had a heart to heart with my thirteen year old sister so if you’ll allow me, I’ll tell you just like I told her:

The hardest pills I’ve had to swallow were those of hurt served intentionally by friends, family, strangers and or those who claimed to care for me. As a man of principle, its one thing to be caught off guard as a bystander or casualty, but it’s quite another to be attacked. I’m not a fan of revenge when it comes to relationships…revenge doesn’t solve anything in the long or short term. I think you have to be careful and unusually wary of the people who ‘get back at you’ in an attempt to feel better about themselves and try to justify their emotions by doing so. At this age, it’s hard to control your emotions…everyone makes mistakes and you should not rush to judge people. However, you’ve got to protect yourself from other people’s insecurity by being able to recognize it. You must also protect yourself from your feelings because they don’t always help you see clearly or think rationally.

To summarize all that, If I were you, I’d move on from liking someone who would get back at me with the intent of hurting me or getting even. If in time, things changed and we matured about what occurred, I’d give it some thought. This guy seems confused on what he really wants and I think you can probably do a lot better with someone who readily recognizes your worth and importance but ultimately has respect for you.

As I’ve stated in the past, guys…as well as girls, do weird things for even weirder reasons. It makes us human. I tend to think some drama in life is good…it’s builds character and it also allows us to learn about who we are as individuals and how resilient we can be when faced with day to day issues. Otherwise, life would be absolutely boring.

We need ups and downs to realize our potential and transfer that to our ‘kinetic’. Take care…hope this helps

-Sam

“Ok, here’s the thing…I feel like no guy will ever like me. I’m dark skin with short hair. I look nothing like what guys considered to be pretty. I feel completely ugly compared to my friends. Guys don’t ever want to talk to me. They call my friends “bad redbones” and they call me blackbone. It honestly hurts my feeling because there is nothing I can do to look like my friends. It’s almost like I don’t exist. I keep making up excuses to not go out when my friends invite me places because I’m so embarrassed and depressed of being the one friend that always stands on the sideline while my friends get talked to. I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt but it does. So much. How do I get guys to like me? What can I do to become more attractive?? I just want to be pretty. What should I do??”
-Chantel, 16

One of the most beautiful things about life is as you age and allow yourself to grow and mature, you gain a greater perspective on what is truly important. Reading your words reminded me of when I was in high school…it can be a rough place sometimes so I certainly empathize with you.

I had a conversation a few days ago that I think will help you out. I was talking to a woman that most males would consider to be ‘bad’….not exactly a ‘red bone’…but she is physically attractive. During the course of our convo, she made the comment that despite being regularly complimented on her physical appearance, she’d rather be complimented for her intellect or her character. I had to agree with her…I’ve found most truly attractive women who have any sense of self tend to have this same view. Not to get too deep on you, but it reminded me of the ‘I Have a Dream’ speech with emphasis on ‘content of their character’.

There are many unfortunate circumstances in our community these days. Of them, I believe the level of sensationalism in our culture has led to most of us losing track of what is truly important, especially in relationship seeking: content of character. Growing up, my mother always feared I’d fall for the ‘bad redbone’ only to realize she was rotten on the inside. Now that I’m older, I see what she meant…what’s the point of getting a gift with amazing wrapping if there’s nothing in the box?

Honestly Chantel, there’s nothing wrong with you. You may not believe me, but the problem is deeply rooted in our society. We are shallow people…we don’t realize the true beauty of man and woman because we usually don’t look far enough…we don’t take time to venture beyond the surface.  I’m willing to bet you are a beautiful girl…but moreover, an intelligent girl, who is worthy of a 2^nd look everyday of the week. Someday, the right guy is going to come along and make you forget about all the times you felt left out or ignored…but until then, remember this:

• You are only in High School once…try to enjoy it! Go out…study hard and have fun!
• Guys are always going to be guys…we judge books by their covers, but those of us who actually take the time to read the book are the ones who are actually worth your time
• The things that will make you most attractive are how you carry yourself and how you treat others.
  • Be a lady…have respect for yourself and be respectful
  • Be compassionate and be approachable.

I know some ‘bad redbones’ who don’t have these qualities…they are truly ugly.

-Samuel Brown

“I like this one boy named Brandon in my 4th period class, but he loves my friend Keisha. So mostly every day he always tells me how much he loves her and how much he is jealous of Keisha’s boyfriend. Every day I see them hanging out with each other and him always flirting with her. It’s disgusting to see how head over heels he is over her.So I just walk away. They don’t know that I like Brandon. I haven’t told anyone that. So I don’t know what to do when I see them flirting. Should I tell him that I’m interested or tell my friend that I like him so she can back off so I can have him?? I mean she already has a boyfriend. I feel like I would be a better match for him anyways! Help!! What should I do?? “
Chantel, 15

Chantel, first I would like to say thank you for coming to C.O.R.E for your question and secondly, I am happy you did.

I can see you really like Brandon which is ok, but do you really want the situation to destroy your friendship?

Yes, we all have people we like and sometimes love from time to time but at what cost?

It’s very clear Brandon is extremely interested in your friend and there really isn’t too much you can do to change how he feels. Even if you tell Keisha you like him, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will like you back. There is the issue of the whole situation, you must consider how Brandon feels. You can not control how a person’s feels.

You also have to look at Brandon as a person. You say he flirts with Keisha all the time even though she is in a relationship. You have to ask yourself, what kind of young man are you attempting to involve yourself with? If he does not respect one relationship, do you really think he will respect another?

Also, please do not be upset with your friend. She is just accepting the attention that is given, even at the cost of her own relationship. Keisha is not asking for Brandon’s advances, as you stated before, he is really digging her. Additionally, she does not even know you like him, so please do not place your friend in a negative light.

I really hate to say this, but there isn’t too much you can do right now but to continue to keep quiet about the situation. It’s pretty clear he knows what he wants and like I said before, you can not change how a person feels.

-Joshua Love

 Q: “Hey, I’m a 14 year old girl and I really like this guy. We have gone out once or twice and we  both like each other. We started dating when we started high school. The only thing is we had an argument and he got back at me by going out with a girl in the year above…I know he doesn’t like her because he ALWAYS texts me and sends me sweet  messages. I don’t know what to do…I really like him but  don’t want to tell him.Should I tell him I want to be with him? It seems like  he still likes me so should I believe him? What should I do?? Help! I like him so much”

A: Growing up is difficult and down right hard at times. Not long ago, I had a heart to heart with my thirteen year old sister so if you’ll allow me, I’ll tell you just like I told her:

The hardest pills I’ve had to swallow were those of hurt served intentionally by friends, family, strangers and or those who claimed to care for me. As a man of principle, its one thing to be caught off guard as a bystander or casualty, but it’s quite another to be attacked.  I’m not a fan of revenge when it comes to relationships…revenge doesn’t solve anything in the long or short term. I think you have to be careful and unusually wary of the people who ‘get back at you’ in an attempt to feel better about themselves and try to justify their emotions by doing so. At this age, it’s hard to control your emotions…everyone makes mistakes and you should not rush to judge people. However, you’ve got to protect yourself from other people’s insecurity by being able to recognize it. You must also protect yourself from your feelings because they don’t always help you see clearly or think rationally.

To summarize all that, If I were you, I’d move on from liking someone who would get back at me with the intent of hurting me or getting even. If in time, things changed and we matured about what occurred, I’d give it some thought. This guy seems confused on what he really wants and I think you can probably do a lot better with someone who readily recognizes your worth and importance but ultimately has respect for you.

As I’ve stated in the past, guys…as well as girls, do weird things for even weirder reasons. It makes us human. I tend to think some drama in life is good…it’s builds character and it also allows us to learn about who we are as individuals and how resilient we can be when faced with day to day issues. Otherwise, life would be absolutely boring.

We need ups and downs to realize our potential and transfer that to our ‘kinetic’. Take care…hope this helps

-Sam

Q: “Okay, I’ve known this guy for around 18 months now, he’s like my best mate. We do everything together. He knows everything about me from the guys I’ve liked to personal family problems. It’s the same way when it comes to him he feels really comfortable telling me about what’s going on in his life. It’s weird but I realized that I’ve started to like him as more than a friend…Problem is, I’m pretty sure our relationship is friend zoned – How can I change that? I can’t just *tell* him I like him, as it’d ruin our friendship completely. Now I act super self conscious and kind of awkward.Please help!! Tips on getting out of the friend zone?? How do I not ruin the friendship? How can I tell if it’s something deeper??”

Answer:

It seems like you are sharing a lot of things with him, including discussing other guys. Do you think he believes he is in the friend zone, as well? You stated you are “pretty sure” you are in the friend zone. Well that sounds like an assumption and it’s not got good to assume how someone feels!

I know you probably don’t want to hear this but sometimes you got to take a chance. There is only way to get out of friend zone and that’s basically being open about how you feel. Yes, there is a chance to lose a good friendship but you must weigh the options of what you want from the relationship. Do you want to remain just friends, or do you want more?

The situation is difficult because it’s a gamble, but what do you want? You want the friend or do you want the friend in a relationship?

Of course I am not telling you what to do, I can’t do that. But I just want you to think about your feelings in regards to the situation. Can your feelings handle the current friend zone situation or not?

-Joshua Love

Q: I have a crush on this  really really cute guy at my school. The problem is that I never told anyone not even my best friend. So a couple of months ago my best friend and him started dating. The thing is I always thought that if he had known I liked him he would have never asked her out. Well He broke up with her a couple of weeks ago and we have been talking a lot lately. I  don’t want to hurt my friend’s feeling but I  don’t want to lose my chance with this boy I’ve been crushing on for the past year. Who knows, he may be my husband one day! What should I do???

A: First and foremost! Let’s slow down with the marriage talk. Think about the guy you dated when you were 15, can you see yourself marrying him? I think not! More than likely you’ll feel the same way about this guy when you’re twenty-one.

The first thing you should do is talk to your friend. Be open, objective, and honest. Use this conversation to find out if she still has feelings for this guy. You also need to find out why she is no longer dating him.You two are best friends for a reason. If there was something about him that she didn’t like then there’s a strong possibility that you will find the same discomfort somewhere down the road.

When you have this conversation be up-front. You might want to start the conversation off by telling your friend how much you value the friendship between the two of you. Explain to her that there is something on your mind that could possibly hurt your friendship but that is the last thing you want to happen.

From that point you should dive right in, ” how would you feel if I told you I wanted to get to know him ??? Better?” I promise you she wouldn’t be defensive but there is a chance her feelings might be a little hurt. The last thing you want to do is flaunt your relationship in front of her. Remember, it’s not WHAT YOU SAY, BUT HOW YOU SAY IT.
Give her time to accept the new relationship and slowly work her back around the two of you.

-Justin Townsend