Sometimes, no matter how long the pep-talk, confidence within a woman is the hardest thing to restore. Confidence is molded and built through people, places, and experiences. The wrong people, the wrong places, and the wrong circumstances in a series of unfortunate events can scar beautiful women like ourselves with negative, self-conscious images of our personalities and appearances; making us feel uneasy as if to have a lack of self security.

The women at Mount Holyoke College, like most women in progressive, intellectually driven, all-girls schools, are some of the most amazing young women you will ever meet. No matter how amazing and wonderful they all are, a lot of them still have many unreasonable insecurities.

The issue with the restoration of confidence is that the lack of self-assurance that has developed through relationships and experiences are way more than a mere friend can simply change. How many of us women have ever asked ourselves if someone was out of our league? Too good for us? Many girls feel this way because they are frightened or shaken by the fact that they will either be turned down or embarrassed by the one who they seek as a lover or a friend.

More times than not, a lover, family member, or friend has already shattered all the confidence this individual had stored. If friends (or “thought to be” friends) have a problem with the way you look, act, talk, carry yourself, how you’re dressed, and how you wear your hair, for example, you may alter your appearance and personality to fit those around you. This alternation can be a good or bad thing. Personally, as a young teenage woman of 14 years old, I was often criticized for my weirdness, individualism, and ways to make myself unique; I ended the friendship that was detrimental to my self-esteem and mental well being which has taught me to be confident to this very day.

After family, friends are the ones who you would like to gain approval from. A girl just wants to hear the positive feedback of someone she both admires and trust. When this is not given to us, we often stick around in these friendships that make us feel inadequate or forces us to be anything but our true selves.

GET OUT! The worst thing to do is to hide your identity: to cover yourself with this unauthentic exterior to please the ones around you. Dropping the wrong and reevaluating the right can be dramatic. Especially in high school and college when friends are basically all you’ve got. Getting over that one person who constantly makes you feel like a total loser is the BEST choice you will ever make. This action is the foundation for your confidence; knowing you are awesome without anyone’s approval! You are beautiful without anyone’s bad attitudes. You are sexy without anyone saying so.

Experience is the best teacher. Gaining respect for yourself and developing a sense of how you would like to be treated after these experiences with friends, will teach you how to become aware of anyone who doesn’t allow you to flourish and be the very best person who you already are.

Stay true to yourself.

Stay confident!

-Iyanna James-Stephenson

I wish I had the wherewithal to go natural in high school. I probably would not have struggled through years of hair abuse at the hands of braids, weaves, relaxers, bad hairstylists, mineral oil laced conditioners, and the like. Most of all, my confidence and self esteem would have probably been such that I believed I was beautiful just the way I was made.

I always knew I wanted to go natural but I was also always afraid of what the boys might say.  Though my freshmen year at a historically black college, I would dream that my micro braids were locks, I was still afraid to actually bare all. I still remember all my girlfriends running to the local hair salon to get their relaxers and rollersets. The smell of dorm room hallways full of the smoke from flat irons is fresh on my brain. I remember all the young men starring at the women with the flowing hair and sorority girls with the bouncing wraps as they strolled through the courtyard. I still remember seeing my new growth after months of wearing braids and being so excited that I would be going natural. I remember one day, after a surprise birthday gift by college friends, a guy I had been crushing for months came over. He was, in fact the surprise. I was so happy to see him as we stood on the back stairs. He asked me the most awkward question that made me forget he existed for the next five years “When are you taking your braids out?”as his eyes lunged at my new growth like it was fungus.

Did he feel as though I had maintenance issue? Did he think I was nasty? Did he dislike my obvious and glaring 4B/C coarse  kinks displayed? Probably all of the above.

The relationship between our hair and our boys is something serious. For me, attending an all black college, where maintenance and show stopping was as important as the education-his words stung. I grew up with a father who told me I was beautiful and my hair was just as beautiful. Could it be that this young man was the anti-thesis of what I thought? Oh but indeed he was. Not only did he feel this way, but I learned that many other young men on campus felt the same way. From that day on my senses were keen to what curl pattern was acceptable and what was not. How a shoulder length wrap could take one from being mediocre to pretty. How an undetectable weave could make you the star of the yard.

I ended my anonymous natural hair journey many times for many boys. Though I always preferred my own hair coming out of my own head it took a lot to feel confident walking around with it on my head. I didn’t want to be called “Queen” or “Sista” by the catcallers on the streets. But then I realized that I didn’t like being catcalled at all. I didn’t want people to think I was angry at the man. I wanted to be witty and flirty and funny too. I didn’t want all the white boys to think I was so “beautiful;” I wanted validation from the corner boys too. I learned to be myself-To rock my own coils in various ways maintaining its health and growth. I learned while working for the man that I was angry (and funny and witty and flirty too). I learned how to rock my hair in the classroom and in the boardroom. I learned that I did like poetry, shopping at thrift stores, and crying during Love Jones. And it wasn’t because I wore the same hair as I did when I was 4. I learned that I cut my hair all the way off and 4 years later it was longer than all of the girls that the boys were gawking at on the yard in college.

Fear is the reason that a lot of young women and older women alike are afraid to go natural. The stereotype that natural hair is unfeminine and unkept is annoying and ignorant. When labeled and stereotyped by our own young men, many young women find it an obstacle to dating and socializing. But in a world where young women are often too shallow, isn’t it okay to be perceived as deep? Sometimes it isn’t the way others see us, but it is how we see ourselves. Your natural hair should be an extension of you-healthy, happy, and full of life.

-Tenicka Boyd