So You Want To Be In Show Business

As I watched the last 20 minutes of the Oscars, my mom asked me if I dreamed of attending the Oscars one day. My mom, who knows me so well, was surprised when I told her that I don’t think about it. I only watched the last few minutes of the show because I wanted to see if Quvenzhané Wallis was going to win for best actress. My mother said when she was growing up, watching awards shows was a way of escaping the loneliness of her early childhood. When I watch the awards shows, my favorite part is seeing the excitement of the nominees. I love seeing them so happy and cheerful. It makes me happy. When celebrities I have met, are up are for an award, it makes the show more fun to watch. When the movie, The Help, and it’s cast were nominated for a lot of awards two years ago, I was on pins and needles to see if they would win. I had attended SAG screenings and listened to the cast talk about their auditions and the long journey to get to where they are at. Most people don’t think about what it takes to get to the Oscars or my favorite, The SAG Awards. They see the red carpet, stars, fashion, and the press. They see the fairy tale. That is the way it should be to a little girl dreaming of giving her acceptance speech, a fairy tale. A few years ago I made a list of who I wanted to thank after getting my SAG award. It was just pretend but I still worried that I couldn’t include everyone! Now that I’m older, I don’t watch the awards shows with the same innocence. I’m wondering who Mr Denzel Washington has for an agent. Did Quvenzhane attend an open casting call for her movie or did a manager send her? Who did the casting for Django? Why didn’t I get a call to audition for a certain movie? My innocence, when it comes to show business, is gone. Show business is hard work and ruthless. It is not about how much money you can make. It’s about how much money can you make for the industry. My mom is a part time actress also. She does mostly background, but has done enough principal work to qualify for the union. We have worked on three projects together, a Bon Jovi video, Saturday Night Live, and a Pepsi commercial. This blog is to explain a little bit of what goes on behind the scenes of a young, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere near rich and famous, in and out of work, teenage actress. Of course I’m speaking of me. Because I didn’t want to leave anything out, I asked my mother to help me write this month’s blog.

People ask me all the time what it is like to be an actress. They think the acting business is a life of fame, fortune, and fashion. That is the life for some actors that have made it big. The majority of people you see in a movie or television show are extremely hard working, low paid actors that go to class after class to improve their acting skills and meet agents and casting directors. They show up as extras on a set and do the same thing over and over again until the director is satisfied. When I was much younger, I did background extra on different shows and movies and it didn’t seem like work. I saw friends on set and got to meet new people. I was having fun.

Whether actors want to admit it or not, they are divided into categories. You know when you are watching television and you see people walking, or eating in restaurants, but can’t see their faces? That is an extra or background actor. Some are union, and some are non union. The non union background actors have it the hardest. Non union extras make the least amount of money, work long hours, and don’t get the appreciation they deserve for taking work that other actors sometimes don’t want. They can’t be doing it for the money, so it has to be because they love the business or have that dream of becoming a star. Now that I’m older, background is not as much fun as it use to be. I rarely do background or extra work unless it is for a commercial. Next, are your union background actors. Because of the hard work of the SAG/Aftra union, background actors get a lot more respect now than in previous years. They make more money and eat better on set than non union background. If there is a problem on set, they can call a union representative at anytime. Because it use to be sort of hard to get into the Screen Actors Guild, proud SAG actors will let you know in a flash, “I’m SAG.” Getting into the union is considered the first step toward making it big.

Then you have your commercial actors. Commercial actors can be union or non union. Here is the big difference. Union actors are not allowed to do a non union production whether it is film, tv, commercial, or video. Non union actors can work non union or union productions unless the project specially calls for all union actors. Although a production maybe a union job, they can still have certain spots for non union. It can be confusing. Commercial sets are totally different than film and movie sets. The set is smaller and most of the filming is done inside a studio. Less equipment and people are around so the vibe is more friendly. You feel like you are an important part of the production. For the background actor, the money is much better as a commercial extra than as a film or television extra. Most actors dream of getting their first union commercial. If a non union actor get a principal role on a union commercial, the actor qualifies for SAG. The same goes for film and television. If an actor book a speaking or principal role, the actor can become a union member. Just like actors dream of being on a weekly television series or getting the lead in a movie, commercial actors dream of becoming “the face” of a brand. Examples of how one commercial can change an actor’s professional career and put a lot of money in their pockets, the “Can you hear me now?” Verizon guy, Flo fromProgressive, All State spokesperson Dennis Haysbert, and the “That’s the power of Pine Sol” lady. They all started with the first commercial that led into commercial after commercial, money after money. When you become the face of a brand or product, you have hit the big time in commercial acting. Dennis Haysbert is successful in film, television and commercials. The extremely nice actor really has it going on. Being closely associated with a brand or product, limits you from doing a commercial for a similar brand or product. If an actor does a commercial for the Ford car company, he has to wait a certain amount of years before he can do a commercial for another car company. The wait could be anyway between 4 to 6 years. This situation is called, “a conflict”. If I booked a principal spot for Mr Clean, I’m not going to be able to do Lysol for at least 4 to 6 years. State Farm would never use the Flo lady in their commercials no matter how many years passes after doing her last Progressive commercial. Her face will always be connected to Progressive. When I was 7, I was a principal on a national Toyota Pruis commercial. I had to wait 4 years before I could audition for another car commercial.

You would be surprised at how many people ask me or my mom about residuals. It wasn’t until around 2 years ago that I started learning about the finances of the acting world. I still have a lot to learn. When you do a feature or principal role in a union produced film, television show, or commercial, you can earn residuals. I still get small residuals regularly for Wonder Pets and Sesame Street. I taped Wonder Pets when I was 4. I did Sesame Street between the ages of 4 and 6. That’s 9 years later! I have been going to SAG meetings since I was 5. When they talk about new contracts and pay raises, I’m lost. I’m just starting to learn about scale pay, meal penalties, wardrobe allowances, night diff, hazard pay, weekend scale, prop allowances, and travel allowances. All of this earns you more money. It is really complicated. One day I’m going to read the booklet from the union that explains all of it.

I’m going to tell you what I do know about, upgrade! An upgrade is like a promotion. Say you are an extra or background on a commercial. Doing the taping, you ended up on some footage where you are clearly recognizable. When the director or ad agency do the final editing, they might like the footage where you are recognizable and upgrade you to a principal. They may used some of the original footage for a variation of the first commercial and you will get paid all over again. An upgrade is like your birthday and Christmas all in one because of the extra pay and possible residuals. Your neighbors will hear you screaming all over the building. The more that commercial is shown, the longer it is on air, if it goes national from cable, if they use it for the internet, or print ads from the footage, it will be HUGE increase in the original amount of money you started with as an extra. I have been upgraded 3 or 4 times in 2 years. That is why I don’t turn down commercial background. Upgrades are possible with television and film but is extremely rare. It doesn’t happen a whole lot with commercials either so I have been blessed.

One area of acting most people don’t think about is voice over. This is when you hear the actor but don’t see the actor. The voice over actor, that does the introductions for all the Law and Order shows, never have to work another day in his life. Talk about residuals! He gets paid for every episode of every Law and Order show every time it is on television! Most people don’t even know what he looks like. They don’t see him. They just hear him. He is Steve Zirnkilton, the “voice” of Law and Order. Alright, I confess. I only know because I looked him up for this blog. I have only one voice over credit. When I was 5, I let out a huge scream for Dr Miracle hair products. I don’t even remember it. Mom told me about it. She said it was on the radio for awhile. Voice over actors are in huge demand but it is not an easy field to break into. Going to voice over classes is on my to do list.

Let me get into the heart of all acting jobs, the auditions. This is the one area of show business that I really know about. An audition is when you try out for an acting job. Most commercials have an audition, then a callback. A callback is when the casting directors choose certain people from the original audition to come back in for a second time. A callback is usually the halfway mark to getting a job. Most principal work for television and movies have the first audition and then two callbacks. If you are being considered for the project after going to the callback, production will put you on what is called a “hold.” If you get the job, your agent or manager will call you and say those magic words, “you’re booked.” If you didn’t get the job, they will release you from your hold. For me, being on hold is torture. The terrible thing about being on hold is, you can’t audition or submit for a job that shoots on the same day as the one you are on hold for. If you don’t get the job that you were on hold for, you may have missed another audition that you might have booked. I go through different stages with auditions. Sometimes I go into an audition and forget all about it when I come out. Other times, I go into the audition wanting the job so much that I think about it for the next two or three days. After I get a callback, I wonder if I’m going to book the project. Most of the time I put the whole audition out of my mind because you can really drive yourself crazy with worrying. Let me tell you how it feels to go into an audition. It can be nerve wrecking. Even after 13 years of doing this, sometimes I step off the elevator and my heart will start beating fast. You walk into the studio and see so many people going for the same role you are auditioning for. I usually see the same people over and over again so I know what the competition is going to be like. When I see a fresh face, it is like school. Who is the new girl? Who is her manager or agent? How long has she been in the biz? Even more important, what is she going to be like in the audition? I soon learned to stop worrying about others in the room and concentrate on myself. When the casting director calls your name and tells you to come in, you better be prepared. If there are sides or lines, you better have them memorized. If you are not prepared, try too hard, is very nervous, it is going to come through in the audition. Sometimes I wonder if I’m good enough when I get to an audition. When a long time has gone by and I have not booked a job, I question my ability.

-A lot of actors do not know this. Casting directors are responsible for calling you in to audition in the first place. After the audition, they send the tapes to the ad agency and director of the shoot. The ad agency and director of the shoot let the casting director know who they want at a callback. Usually the director and someone from the ad agency is at the callback. When it comes to background work, the casting director or casting agency usually do all the selecting of the actors for a project. What I don’t like is that computers have taken casting to another phase. These days you go on line and submit yourself for a project. A lot of work has been taken away from managers, agents and casting directors because of this. This has also produced a lot of “no shows”. A “no show” is someone that submitted on line to work background on television, a film or a commercial and then do not show up for the job. Commercials have very little “no shows” because they pay more money. The day of shooting, casting has to put out a call for a “rush job” because of “no shows”. A “rush job” is where you are called on the day of the shoot and only have a little bit of time to get to set. Because a lot of casting is being done on line, non union actors are replacing union actors. That is also why we have the problem with “no shows.” SAG/Aftra actors are very professional and show up for work. I have been in the SAG and Aftra unions since I was 4. Last year SAG and Aftra merged to become one union.

I have never worked Broadway. I tried out for the Lion King years ago. Out of a thousand girls from an open call, it came down to me and two other actresses. One actress was going to be booked for Broadway and the other actress was going to Vegas. I had a 66% chance of booking the job. I didn’t get it. That was the first time I ever cried over not getting a job. I have told by friends and their parents that Broadway is very hard work. Times Square becomes your new home. There is very little time to do anything else. I had a third callback for South Pacific but didn’t book that either. Show business can be very hard on your self esteem.

Now I’m going to tell you about getting to set and being on set. When a production is shooting in or around NYC, and the set is not in Manhattan, Brooklyn or the Bronx, transportation is usually provided in what is known as a transport van. Transport vans usually pick up actors in Manhattan on 34^th street, Grand Central Station or Port Authority 42^nd st. Most shoots are very early so you might be meeting the van at 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning. For me, the worst part about being an actress is the early call times. Call time is the time you have to report to set. Some days there might be just 3 or 4 other actors in the van. Other times you could have up to 15 or more actors in one van. When actors meet the van early in the morning, there is no chit chat. Some will say, “good morning” and that is the extent of conversion. Most of the time everyone just goes to sleep. After the shoot, when you are taking the van home, there may be conversion with someone you hit it off with while filming. Sometimes you are so tired you sleep on the way home also. Overall, there is not much conversion among actors riding together in the transport van. The only celebrity I can recall sharing a van with is Christina Ricci. It was on a return trip. She and the other star of the film had a great time talking all the way back to Manhattan. Nobody else said a word. I don’t know why we didn’t talk because Christina and the other actor were nice. The film was After Life. I was an extra. Mom never let me audition for rap videos and horror films or be an extra in them. When I received the call to be an extra in After Life, I had no idea what the movie was about. If I had known Christina Ricci was in it, I might have had a clue. Anyway, the shoot was in Long Island, NY at an old Victorian Style mansion. That day it was cold, dark and raining hard. It was a prefect day for a Christina Ricci movie. When we walked into the mansion, there were coffins everywhere. I mean coffins of all different sizes and colors. I was scared as could be. The mansion was set up to be a funeral parlor. Mom told me that I had to see it through. My mother had never made me do anything in this business that I didn’t want to do, never. This was the only time my mother ask me to do something I was uncomfortable with. My scene was a funeral scene. Okay now! I was the only black child there. Why did I mention race? The director gathered all the background children together to ask a question. “Who wants to be a featured extra by lying in the coffin?” Every hand shot up except mine. Are you nuts? No way was I doing that. He could have made me a principal and I wasn’t doing that. See why I mentioned I was the only black child there. By the way, a featured extra is when you do background but you might be recognizable or shown longer than usual for an extra. I recently accepted a featured extra role in a new film coming out next year. It had been a long time since I worked as a film extra. Since it was featured, I accepted the job when it was offered. I had a great time doing my scene with Sally Field. She is such a great actress. Even when we were not filming, she stayed into character. She was very nice to me.

The one thing that will make you feel like a star even if you haven’t reached that status yet is having a trailer on set. When you are a principal on a television show or in a movie, you often have your own trailer. Mom said I had my own trailer on sets a lot when I was younger. Although I have been a principal plenty of times, I can only remember having a trailer twice. A production assistant is there to take care of whatever you need. You are escorted to set. You have a different wardrobe and makeup artist than background. Sometimes you have food that is catered just for principals. When you have these type of roles and receive this type of treatment, it makes all the hard work worthwhile.

When I see a friend (used loosely) or acquaintance on television or in a movie, I’m always happy for them. If I tried out for the same part, I sometimes talk to God and ask, “why not me? I have been doing this for a long time. When is my time going to come for the big part?”. Mom always tell me my time will come when the time is right. It is hard to have female friends in show business when you are young. You are always going up against each other for the same roles. The parents smile when they see you and say, “Good luck.” Now you know they don’t mean it because their daughter is up for the same role! When someone you have known for awhile gets a role that leads him or her to being a star, your relationship can change. You think about if you should even say hello on social media! Sometimes the new star and the mother might think you want something from them instead of realizing you are just saying hello. Even girls and their moms that have not made it big, get on the defensive. Moms of girl actresses are the worst. They guard auditions and callbacks, the name of their agents and managers, and upcoming projects like the Secret Service guards the President. The only thing other mothers have shared with us on a set is where the craft services is located. Craft services is where you go on a set to get snacks. It is usually water, fruits, nuts, cream cheese and bagels, chips and granola bars.

My mother had always been very open with information until recently. She always shared information while waiting at auditions. If she heard of a casting notice she made sure the parents she is friendly with knew about it. She told so many parents how to get their children into show business. Most of them have been really successful. To this day, she has never received a phone call or a “thank you” from a parent that she has helped. That is why she stopped telling parents about how to get their children into show business. Some mothers can even become vicious and cruel. They will do anything to make the playing field uneven. They will stoop to any level to make their child a superstar. I had a mom to fake an emergency when my time came to audition. That same mom erased my name from a sign in sheet. I have known moms to make calls to their agents and mangers to have another child dismissed from their client roster. Boys don’t have nearly as much drama as young female actresses. Most dads of the actors don’t get caught up in the pettiness.

Sometimes it gets really hard to keep going. Frustration sets in. I don’t have the type of jobs now that I had a few years ago. Since I’m not sent out on auditions regularly like in the past, I’m not working much. I have been doing this a long time. I know I deserve a manager or agent that will send me out when something fits my description. I can’t tell you how many times mom and I have heard how slow it is for girls my age. Every time I turn on the television, I see girls my size and age in commercials, film and television. If they are working, it can’t be that slow. When agents and managers have a new favor of the month actress, they tell you things like “you need new head shots” or “the business is slow right now”. The real deal is they are concentrating on your replacement and hoping you will get frustrated and just leave. Even top actresses never take it easy because they are always worried about being replaced. Because I’m tall, I have been told to concentrate more on modeling than acting. Now I have a top modeling manager and I’m being told the same thing. “This is a hard age to send you out.”

In August I separated from my manager that I had been with since I was 10 months old. I saw them as family and thought they felt the same about me. After 4 months without an audition, they didn’t feel like family anymore. I went to a large bi coastal agency and they didn’t send me out for 2 months. Now I’m with another manager, and I’m going through the same thing. You can’t book a job if your manager or agent is not sending you out on auditions. Sometimes smaller is better when it comes to managers and agents. You don’t get lost among 300 other tweens and teens the larger agencies and managers represent. Because I’m so involved into activism now, I don’t concentrate as much on not getting auditions. I do know that the more young people see me on television or in films, the more they will listen to my messages on stopping human slavery and saving the post offices. That’s just the way it is. I’m taking drama classes, working on my singing and practicing karate and sword more than I use to. All I can do is to prepare myself for that role that was made just for me. I have a lot of patience. The one thing I have learned is to replace my fear with confidence.

I’m happy that my mom and I don’t spend our days dreaming of how to get me on a Disney show. So many times mom and I are told that we should take advantage of all the people we know and ask for a hook up. That will never happen. We will never use a friendship like that. My mother is the type that doesn’t like to ask anybody for anything unless it is for a community event, charity or a humanitarian cause. We would never impose on a friendship for a television or movie spot. I have had celebrities to tell me they are working on something and they want me to be a part of it. I have never called to follow up on promises and I hope I never will. If someone wants me for project, they know where to find me. The one thing mom and I are known for is having integrity in a business that can be ruthless. Let me give you an example. My martial arts instructor is like a father to me. I love this man so much. I’m with him at least 4 days a week. About 3 years ago, Kushinda was going to be a producer on a film Wesley Snipes was producing. He is Mr Snipes’ martial arts instructor also. Mr Snipes had insisted on no casting directors. He and Kushinda were going to conduct all the auditions and do all the casting themselves. Taimak, the martial artist and actor from Last Dragon, was also called to help with auditions. There was a huge turnout in Chinatown for the auditions. Mom was helping Taimak keep everything in order by separating actors and martial artists into groups. Kushinda and Mr Snipes were upstairs where the auditions were being held. Where was I? I was in the line! Believe or not, I had to wait on line like everyone else if I wanted to audition. My mother made sure that I did not get special treatment because of my close relationship with Kushinda. I think that is taking integrity to the extreme but that’s my mom for you.

These days I meet more celebrities from my work in activism than I do from acting. When I see them at various events, I give them a big hug and keep stepping. Sometimes I take a picture so I can share it with my family on facebook. I know this is a very long blog, but I want teenagers to know that show business, for the most part, is not the glitz and glamor portrayed on television. Only a few actors have that type of life. Although I view the business a little differently, I still enjoy it a lot! The next time you are watching your favorite show on television or Spiderman in the movies, take a little time to think about the regular actors and their hard work behind the scenes to make the magic happen. Then ask yourself if you really want to get into show business.

Saturday Night Live, Victoria with Rihanna and Andy Samberg
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbefuj_saturday-night-live-snl-digital-sho_fun#.UUkuSDfcZFI

Victoria and her mom on Bon Jovi video–Superman Tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9k-k8609go

-Victoria Pannell

It’s true. At the end of a year people do reflect on the past. I never really reflected on previous years before. Maybe it is because I never went through so many changes in a single year before. A lot can happen in a year. Physically, I’m 3 inches taller and about 20 pounds heavier. My days begins with Proactiv for the terrible acne that started in 2012. There are other big changes in my life apart from the physical appearance.

Last year around this time, I was leading a rally around my block and my building to protest violence. This year I’m protesting against the president of our coop board who made the decision not to pay the mortgage on the building I live in, forcing it into foreclosure. Last year I was fighting to keep post offices and postal processing centers open. This year I’m fighting to stop human slavery and sex trafficking. I’m still trying to keep post offices open. Last year I had a title under one of the most well known civil rights organizations in the country. This year I’m an advocate and spokesperson for two very small, little known organizations. Last year I was on the radio every Saturday. This year I do blog talk shows once in awhile. Last year whenever I gave a speech, Mr Snead, one of my favorite supporters, would yell loudly,“Yeah!” and all my fear left. This year, I will never hear “Yeah!” again because Mr Snead died recently. Last year I thought I had an activist partner for life. This year I realize some people put ambition before friendship and loyalty. Last year I had a therapist that took off work every time it rained. This year I don’t have that therapist because she dropped me for missing appointments. I never knew when she was at work! Last year, I was with my manager that I started with when I was 10 months old. This year I’m with one of the country’s largest model management companies hoping I don’t get lost among the many girls they represent. Last year I was a size 0. This year I’m knocking on the door of a size 6. Previous years I would go to an audition and pray that I get the job. Now I go to an audition and forget about it as soon as I’m out the casting office. Last year I worried about getting caught making a mistake. Now I worry about correcting my mistakes. Last year I had a church that I was dedicated too. This year I visit different churches and have a fear of getting attached to any. Last year I thought about how dumb it was for black people to talk about Gabriel Douglas hair. This year I see the Gibson look on Gabby and wonder if she gave in to the ridiculous pressure about her hair. Last year after the election, I foolishly thought the GOP would work with the president. This year, I see them using the fiscal cliff to deliberately work against the President. Christmas of 2011, I thought about Madonna Badger who lost her 3 girls and parents in a fire in Stamford, CT. Christmas of 2012, the whole nation thought about the 20 little students from Newtown, CT being killed by a mass murderer. Last year I didn’t know what the word cynicism meant. This year I’m very cynical of people

I see at an early age of 13 that my life is constantly changing. Most changes I don’t like. I don’t want people in and out of my life. I don’t want a new therapist every three months. I don’t want new managers that don’t know me personally. I don’t want mentors that leave me when my life gets complicated. I like consistency. Consistency makes young people feel secure. The flip side to that is, the world is not secure so we might as well get use to change at an early age. See, I told you I was becoming cynical. So many times young people will do something really stupid just to test the people around them. We want to know if people we love will always be there for us no matter what. If you fail our test and leave, at least it was on our terms that you went out of our life. Knowing why someone left us is easier to deal with than not knowing, so we will create an atmosphere for you to leave anyway. Gosh, we really are complicated. Mom always tell me how stupid it is to push people away because I’m worried about them leaving. Every person we have ever encountered are there for a second, minute, reason, season or lifetime. When we accept the season concept, the in and out of people in our lives become easier to deal with. We can’t worry about the category each person in our life fall under. We have to enjoy each other for the period of time allowed us. When we are happy, we are so worried about how long the happiness will last that we don’t take the time to embrace it. I know animals look at us and think, ‘humans are crazy.’ One day I was feeling sorry for myself. Mom gave me a band aid. I looked at her. I didn’t understand.She said, “Your heart is bleeding. You have been hurt. Get over it. When you believe in something, you take the lumps and bumps along with the accolades. Most of the people you meet are going to be temporary. The pain they leave behind can sometimes be permanent. The band aid is not to stop the bleeding. It is a reminder that in life you are going to get hurt. Sometimes the wound is so bad you bleed and sometimes it just leave a bruise. If you don’t want to get hurt, stay in a bubble, but don’t complain about anything. Don’t talk to me about postal workers. Don’t talk to me about children being trafficked. Don’t talk to me about the homeless man with no shoes. Don’t talk to me about the foundation you want for homeless people. Don’t give any more bake sales for St Jude. Don’t mention nicki minaj ( small letters deliberate) and the damage she is doing to little girls through her lyrics. Everyone gets hurts. Jesus was betrayed by his disciple and his people. Why should Jesus bear the cross alone? Give yourself time to heal and come back stronger and better.”

Why when parents tell us something, they think we are suppose to take it in right then and there and come out brand new and prefect? I’m amazed sometimes at the wisdom of my mom, but sometimes wisdom takes time to process. Mom is going to always throw in a biblical spin when giving advice. It’s like parenting mixed with Bible Study. Parents are confusing also. They tell us we are young and don’t know everything. Yet, when we make a mistake, they tell us we should know better. I can hear mom yelling, “Some things are just common sense!”

One thing that has not changed is me questioning the world surrounding me.

I question why we have so much violence in the world. I listen to the radio, watch television, see the video games and have part of my question answered. I see how selling humans is becoming more popular than selling drugs. I compare the prison time for each crime and then I see why. You can get 6 years or more for selling drugs and 6 months or less for selling humans. I wonder why magazines that have “inspiring” articles on page 30, have on page 10 male and female rappers that have the mouth of a toilet. I see the facebook pages of girls my age and wonder how they get away with using such disgusting language and pictures. I then take a look at some of their parents pages and I understand why they think the disgusting language and pictures are cool. Young people also try to be like the celebrities they look up to. Remember the beef that was going on between Mariah Carey and nicki minaj on American Idol? I read Mariah’s time line on twitter and I read nicki minaj’s. Their followers are two totally different types of people. Don’t believe me? Go to twitter right now. Read and compare their followers and who they follow. Then ask yourself which group of people you would want as neighbors. Which group of young people you would want as friends? Which group you would want as your children? The one study that I want to see done in the near future is the social connection between poverty, violence, cursing and teenage pregnancy with the anything goes rap music. My mom said she never went to a crime scene in a house where jazz was playing. Not that it has never happened; she just never encountered it. She said every time she went into a home where violence had occurred, the music of choice was the negative based rap music. A coincidence? Maybe. My mother saw a group of young white males arrested for something. She said they were strung out rebels. She asked them what was they favorite type of music. They said heavy metal with a little bit of rap thrown in. They told her they wanted to join the Black Revolution and overturn the white man’s racist regime! My mom turned around before they could see her laughing. She said she knew what music they listened to before they said a word. Young people are easily influenced by music they hear over and over again Listening to my mom’s stories from her days on the force make me want to be a cop before becoming an investigative reporter. I would have so much more to write about.

Writing this blog has made me realize a few things. Consistency can get boring. If I keep thinking about the past I can get stuck there. Believing in something bigger than myself gives my life purpose. I need to stop putting expectations on people and put them on myself. It is stupid to worry about when happiness will end so I need to stop ending my happiness. People I have loved have gone out of my life. People that love me have stayed in my life. Laughter really is great medicine. I need a really good committed therapist that is not afraid of bad weather. I need to shut up when my mom says shut up. (I just want her to say “Be Quiet” instead of “Shut Up”) I want to make 2013, National Human Trafficking Awareness Year. Let’s have a great but socially conscious year together. See you next month.

P.S. Share your 2013 goals with me via twitter @VictoriaPannell or on facebook Victoria L Pannell. My fantasy goal for 2013 is to meet one of the greatest dads ever, President Obama. A girl can dream.

-Victoria Pannell

How Do You Move Forward When Forces Pushes You Backwards

I had to wait until the election was over to submit my November blog. The days leading up to election were hard for me. I knew President Obama should be reelected but did the rest of the country know? If it was obvious to me at age 13, how come people old enough to vote couldn’t see it? I was on pins and needles. The night before the election, President Obama gave a speech to his staff. At karate, all the senseis were talking about the emotional state of the President. They felt he was almost at the point of giving up. President Obama giving the impression that he might not make it and was emotional about it, no? I had not seen the video, but knew I must in order to write this blog. I couldn’t believe that my strong, fearless leader with so much self confidence was feeling vulnerable. There must be a mistake. My senseis had it wrong. I watched the video on Rev Sharpton’s Politics Nation website. I was so upset. The President did look as there was a heavy burden on his shoulders. It wasn’t just the election. Sometimes you truly get tired of dealing with the nonsense. I could tell he loved this country so much. Despite dealing with cruelty, threats, racism, donald trump (deliberate small letters) and the burden that comes with being the most powerful man on earth, he really wanted to serve his country again. So many forces were trying to hold him back and for a moment you could tell he was tired. Giving up was not really an option for the President at this point, no matter how he was feeling. Despite forces trying to hold him back he had to press on. I took comfort in knowing that he would prevail, no matter what the outcome of the election. He might be tired, but he wasn’t worn out. There is a difference. How do you and I go on when we feel like giving up? How do we get out of bed when we are tired and worn out?

I truly believe most people have felt like giving up at one time or the other. I believe young people these days have this feeling far too often. Too many have given in to their feelings and have committed the ultimate action of giving up, suicide. So many thoughts run through the minds of teenagers. They face a lot more pressure than previous generations. Who really loves me? Is my family disappointed in me? How come my father doesn’t want me? Is my mom sorry she gave me life? Will I live up to the standards that people have of me? How come I don’t have friends? Will I ever find a real nice guy? Will my family be able to afford college. Can I even get into college? Why can’t I be popular? Why is my skin so dark? Why is my skin so light? Am I bi racial or black? Am I gay, straight or bi sexual? If God exists, how come terrible things are always happening? If God does exist, will I go to hell for being gay or bi? Will I go to hell for questioning God? Why am I not comfortable in my own skin? If I become friends with the school geek or nerd, will people make fun of me? How come I still have a flip phone when all my friends have smart phones? Will I get into the high school of my choice? Will this acne ever go away? Will the bullying ever go away? Will I become pregnant before graduating high school? Was I taped when I was doing something I wasn’t suppose to be doing? You get the point. It’s a lot to deal with.

What seems so insignificant to adults is humongous to teenagers. The pressure can get to the point of being too much to handle. When my mom lost a baby shortly after birth, people always told her God never gives you more than you can bear. Her reply was, “God will not, but the devil will pile it on you till you break. When you fall to your knees, it is either in prayer or despair.” So what do you say to someone that is on the edge and wants to give up? Well unless it is something life threatening, like a terminal illness or death of a love one, or with permanent consequence, like teenage pregnancy, mom says, “This too shall pass.” Then she will play James Cleveland song, This Too Shall Pass. Most of the time this song makes mom and I feel better, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I can’t say this to victims of Hurricane Sandy. They have lost everything. My mom thought about it for a minute and says, “I fall to my knees in despair, and I lift my hands in prayer. I ask God why has he forsaken me? I tell Him, He promised to never leave me. I ask Him why he didn’t protect me from Satan’s snare? I cry out to God in a loud voice that reflects my anger, despair, misery, disappointment and finally faith.”

I look at my mom with that look that parents can’t stand and say, “Get off the floor mom. My blog is for teenagers. The most the kids in school will do is hold onto a rosary before a test.” Since finishing the blog was more important than my sarcasm, she continues. “When you get to the point where you feel you have nothing else to lose, that is when you have the most to lose, the will to hold on to see a better day”. It made sense. She said when she was growing up, a day felt like a month. She knows now that she had a beautiful childhood, but it didn’t feel like it then. It was lonesome. She said planning for a future helped. When she got in trouble, she shut her mouth and thought about when she would graduate, go to college and save the world as a cop. She feels like the main problem teenagers, okay me, have is not wanting to shut up and listen. When I don’t like something she says, I hear, “Shut your mouth. If you are unhappy with me, study hard to skip a grade or two so you can get out faster and live on your own. I tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.” When I complain, she is quick in reminding me of my blessings and what others are going through. Like I tell people all the time, if I don’t know where anything else is in the apartment, I know where the door is.

On a more serious note, I think about the Sandy flood victim that lost everything but his life. Strangely he felt great because he no longer felt connected to material things. He felt it was a great way of starting over without being cluttered up with material things. Talk about looking at a bright side. Not everyone can do that of course. I don’t have the answers for all the young people feeling discouraged. For me I have to keep the faith. I mentally transport my mind through reading. I also think of people that have it so much worse than I do, like sexually trafficked victims or children being “systemically raped” as Andrea Powell from Fairgirls put it. I also think about my great grandfather whom I have never met but has helped shaped my outlook on life. When my great grandfather, Fred Walker, was in his early twenties, he worked at the saw mill. He was married to Elizabeth and they had two children and was expecting a third. They lived in a shack on one acre of land. He had one year of schooling and granny had three. While working one day at the saw mill, a drill decapitated his leg. The white owner had someone pick grandpa and the leg up, and put him outside in the middle of the road. They were probably hoping someone would hit him with a car or run over him with a horse and buggy. This was in the 30s. A man came along and put grandpa in the back of his truck. He took him to the Colored Hospital. Grandpa lived. We don’t know how grandpa got his first artificial leg. We do know while waiting for his new leg, he crawled in the tobacco field on his belly. He share cropped. Granny cleaned houses. They did what they had to do to feed their children. By the time grandpa died in his 80s, he was well known and respected in the community. He had turned that one acre of land into over 50 beautiful acres, had a house he built from the ground up, dug a well for the property, brought a new car or truck when needed, and most important, raised seven children and 3 grandchildren, one which was my mom. As mom is quick to point out to me, none of the children or grandchildren ever did something that would bring lasting shame to the Walker name. See what pressure that is on me? I don’t want to be the first to bring shame to the Walker lineage.

There is a least one young person that is reading this blog that is also feeling pressured or unhappy. Think of any thing that make you happy and hold on to it for strength. Watch a show that always make you laugh. Think of a memory that made your stomach hurt from laughter. If you need something really light that make you lol, ready an Archie comic book. Seeing Veronica with smoke coming from her head over Betty and Archie , is always funny. When my mother was a little girl she read the whole Ramona series by Beverly Cleary. She loved the Ramona books so much that she saved them for when she would have a child. I loved reading the same books my mother read as a little girl. If you feel you are just too old to read Ramona then go to donald trump’s twitter page. Don’t follow him. He brags enough about himself as it is. Just read the tweets to him from others. They are hysterical. Not caring for the President’s policies is one thing, but blatantly disrespecting him is another, so donald trump brought this onto himself. Think about places you want to visit like Vegas, Niagara Falls, Greece, Los Angeles. Ok, so these are places I want to visit. You get the point.

For life’s smaller frustrating situations or disappointments try playing, This Too Shall Pass. It starts a little something like this. “I have had heart aches like this before, disappointments by the score. I claimed the victory at last. This too will pass”. It goes on to say the sun shall sun. We have to believe that. During our darkest moments we have to find some light somewhere to lead us to a better day. Sometimes as a teenager it is hard to think like this. Trust me, I know. Play other songs that make you feel good. Pick a cause that is bigger than you and volunteer. Become an advocate for that cause. The causes I have worked on are, saving the postal system, stopping neighborhood violence and my latest, child sex trafficking. When you watch a film on child sex trafficking, it is hard to think about yourself and the boyfriend that will dump you if you don’t do what he wants. If you need help in picking a cause, contact me. There is some cause out there that can benefit from your help. If what you are going through is really deep, never be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be ashamed to go talk to someone like a therapist. Read Terrie Williams’s Black Pain to get some answers about depression. As most of you know, I go to therapy. Ms William made me realize that is cool and brave to seek help. Also visit Ms Williams website http://www.storiesthatheal.samhsa.gov/bio.asp for resources. I’m going to start reading her book, Stay Strong : Simple Life Lessons for Teens. There is not a week that goes by that I don’t hear someone talk about Ms Terrie Williams and how she helped them. She is working so hard to make sure people know it is okay to ask for help. I love this lady!

Let’s read Ms Williams book together. Tweet me and let me know what you think. My twitter handle is @VictoriaPannell. You can also find me on Facebook. We can’t give up. I have to say that to you and you have to say that to me. We can make a difference in this world. We can have a positive impact. Suicide will not be an option. Life is the only choice. I have to know what it is like seeing my family at my high school graduation, living on my own, being assigned my dorm room at Barnard, traveling with my friends, meeting Ms Winfrey, seeing human slavery come to an end, and doctors finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. I have to fulfill my dream of becoming an investigative reporter. On the last episode of one of my favorite shows, Frasier, he concludes his last radio show by saying, “What we miss the most are chances we never took.” Here are some other great words of advice to help us stay motivated. See you next month.

“A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.” - Hugh Downs

“Don’t be afraid your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.” – Grace Hansen

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”- Dale Carnegie

“You’ve got to say, “I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It’s called perseverance”  -Lee Iacocca

“My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whetheryou are content with your failure”- Abraham Lincoln

“The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” Benjamin Franklin

-Victoria Pannell

THOSE BACKSTABBERS

“They smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place, the back stabbers.” I never really paid attention to the words of the Ojay’s classic song, Back Stabbers.  I know the lyrics, but they never  meant anything to me before.  Liking a song, or singing along to a song, is totally different than relating to a song. Boy, oh boy! I can now totally relate to this song. Most of my blogs have been about some form of activism or stopping violence. This time I wanted it to be about something all young girls can relate to, jealousy. I have never liked the word jealous. I have been told by others “so and so is jealous of you”.  My mother and I would look at each other in amazement when someone said that to us. What in the world do we have for someone to be jealous of? We live in an apartment that reeks of marijuana because other tenants smoke it 24/7.  I have inhaled so much second hand marijuana that my memory has been affected. So many people come up to me to talk and I can’t remember meeting them. I can’t even comprehend why someone would be jealous of me. I hear my mom tell other parents about how tight things are right now. We don’t have a car and use cabs only when absolutely necessary.   Where we use to have extra cash to have huge food giveaways twice a year, we can now only do one . Instead of having hundreds of bags of groceries to pass out, it is now around fifty bags per giveaway.  My clothes are okay, but that is because my mom knows how to bleed a dollar. Also, I’m not into designer clothes just to impress others.  If I wear something it is because I like it. The designer pieces I do have just hang in the closet because I love my jeans and tee shirts.

Again, what do I have for people to be jealous of? Let me ponder. People see a lot of photos of me with famous people. Guess what? I’m not having lunch with them. I’m not at their Park Ave penthouses or Malibu mansions. I don’t know them. The photos are just mementos of the occasion. The few celebrities I do know personally are wonderful, but it is not like we go to the movies or anything. Well, some people might say that I have been on television quite a bit and that can invoke jealousy. Yes, I have been on television a lot and have met quite a few stars. After the show or commercial, the stars get in their Escalades. I get in the courtesy van that drops me off at the bus stop. Okay, what about all the big dress up events? The food is always the same. You give air kisses to the same people. If I have to speak, I’m thinking about keeping the spinach or pepper specks out of my teeth. When we leave, mom and I pray that the trains are still running. Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do. I love working on commercial and film sets. I love speaking up for children that can’t speak for themselves. I love the galas because it gives me a reason to dress up and feel girly. I like the people that usually attend the galas. Still, there is no aspect of my life that should make anyone jealous. Trust me when I tell you that I don’t have it going on like that.

I can hear someone saying, “but Victoria you are always speaking at events. You are in the newspapers. You go places. Most kids don’t get to do what you do.” Let me give you the flip side of that. I go to more funerals and police stations than events. Because I’m in the papers or on the news, I’m always being watched. If I do anything, I mean anything wrong, someone calls my mom or Kushinda, my karate instructor. What is a minor mishap for other young people would become a major issue for me. I can see the headlines. Young Protege of the Rev Al Sharpton Steals Coupons Off The Stoops For Her Mom. It’s true when they say you are built up just to be torn down. I’m always reminded that I represent young people and have “to act accordingly.” I can’t be silly and goofy on social media. It is hard for me to be just a kid. Now I can walk away from all of this. I don’t want to. I’m not complaining but showing others another side of what I go through. What I deal with is a small price to pay for doing what I want to do.‏

Jealousy usually comes when you want something that someone else has. Being jealous and acting on it are very different. A huge lesson I have learned this year is to stay AWAY from moms that will do anything to put their child front and center. There is a difference between competition and evil intent stemming from jealousy. When you clamp down on your child and make them study harder and practice more to achieve goals it is all well and good. I might be only 13, but I know we live in a very competitive society. Actors know that more than anybody. When a parent trips me coming out of the starting block so their child can finish first, that is evil rooted by jealousy. The talk about Gabrielle Douglas hair is a prime example. These were grown, black women with children talking about Gabriel. Some mothers were afraid their children could never measure up to Gabrielle‘s accomplishment, so they talked about her hair to try and tear her down. That is shameful jealousy.

When I was seven I saw a little girl at an audition that I wanted to be friends with right away. I will call her Diamond. Diamond was seven also. There was something about Diamond that made me want to talk to her and ask if she had an American Girl doll. The casting directors loved her also. She was very popular. I always felt if it had not been for her mom, Diamond and I would have been audition friends. Audition friends are other actors that you see at auditions and you have a semi friendship with. Diamond was smart, pretty and a great actress. Yet, her mom would have tripped up anyone she came across. It wasn’t necessary. Her daughter had everything she needed to make it. I was at an audition once, getting ready to go in front of the casting director when Diamond’s mom picked that time to tell the casting director she had some big problem. She didn’t have a problem. She just wanted to mess me up. The casting director missed my whole audition. This was a second call back out of three. Was my mom livid! That was it. The lines were drawn. I knew Diamond and I would never be friends as children. I’m hoping in the future we can sit down and have a conversion.

I recently lost a very good friend because of his mom. I trusted the mother so much that I actually betrayed my friend’s trust. Not only did I betray my friend’s trust but I actually let this lady talk about my mother to me. I’m so ashamed of that. Anyway, this mother wanted to know what was bothering her child. I told her, thinking I was doing the right thing. I will never forget the look on my friend’s face upon finding out. While he was mortified about what I had done, the mother laughed in my face about it. She actually laughed in my face! I knew right then and there this lady had played me for a fool. My mother blew a gasket. She was so disappointed in me. She told me to never, ever betray a friend’s trust unless it is an emergency. I’m sorry to say I lost my friend. The mom so wanted her child to be in the spotlight that she stabbed me and my mom in the back to make it happen. She played us to get what she wanted for her child. When I think about everything my mother did for this lady, I get so angry. Mostly I’m angry with myself. I betrayed my friend’s trust. I let his mother talk and laugh about my mom to me. I let her turn me into someone else. All the time she had one goal in mind. Core readers, stay out of the way of a parent that will advance her child by any unethical means necessary.

As long as we continue to live on this earth, people are going to come and go out of our lives. Some of those people are going to hurt us. I don’t want to think about backstabbers and jealousy. Jealously is such a wasteful emotion. That time is spent better in improving ourselves. Although I can’t ever recall being jealous of someone in the past, I don’t know if that will be the case in the future. I hope I can remember my own advice and never have such negative feelings toward someone. When I see smart and talented people, I tend to admire them. I have also learned that you have to be careful who you admire. I admired one young girl so much that I read everything about her. There was never any jealousy, just admiration. I had so much respect for what she was doing. Well let’s just say that admiration was totally displaced. Sometimes it is better not to meet someone you admire. The disappointment can be devastating. When that happens I tend to beat myself up about being wrong about the person. Then I dwell on why someone would deliberately hurt me and did I do something to make them do that. See why I go to therapy?

I have been trying to finish Autobiographyof MalcolmX for weeks now. I was reading this book every day until a couple of months ago. Mom is on my case to finish the book. I just can’t finish it. No matter how much mom fusses, no matter that I really want to finish it, can’t seem to do it. When I met two of Malcolm’s daughters, I knew I was going to finish the book. It didn’t happen. While writing this blog it hit me like an epiphany why I can’t finish it. Get ready. This is deep. I’m at the part where he is disappointed in Elijah Muhammad. Here is a man that Malcolm would have died for and yet he is going to be betrayed by him, a spiritual leader at that. I can’t stand to read about it. That’s it. I can’t finish the book because I can’t deal with the fact that Malcolm was going to be betrayed by someone that trained and mentored him and by another that he trained and mentored. One was afraid that Malcolm was going to take his place and the other one was jealous and wanted to take Malcolm’s place. That’s a double whammy. My betrayal is too fresh and painful to finish the book at this time. I’m always looking at a picture that we have of Malcolm hanging in our hallway. In the photo is a man named Captain Joseph. He was a friend to Malcolm at one time but later said he wished him dead. ”They smile in your face.” Jealousy acted upon can lead to death. That is exactly what caused Malcolm’s death. His shine was too bright. Jealousy killed one of our greatest leaders against black suppression. Talk about the crabs in the barrel mentality.

Being young is not easy. We have adults that are suppose to guide us and most of the time they are the ones misleading us. When you betray a child you take away a part of their childhood and you take away part of their innocence. I no longer see things through bright and rosy eyes. I have to spend more time reading the book of knowledge, Proverbs. I have to keep my therapy appointments. I have to be mindful to treat others the way I want to be treated. The one thing not to do is to stop shining because someone else can’t stand your brightness.  People that do not like you because of jealousy is still not going to like you no matter what. Don’t stop being a trailblazer for a cause you believe in. Don’t dumb yourself down so people will start to like you. Find your supporters and let them know constantly how much you appreciate them. If you feel as if you don’t have anyone that love you or you can’t talk to anyone, reach out to me. If you are being bullied, definitely reach out to me. We have to be there for each other. 

You are going to be remembered not for what you have done for yourself but what you have done for others. See you in November!

-Victoria Pannell

“Victoria, have you finished your speech?” I hear this question almost daily from my mom. The answer is usually the same, “no”. Recently, I showed her my speech for the radio segment I do on Saturdays, and she totally lost it. Everything about it was wrong. I stood there feeling like I never wanted to write another speech in my life. When I first started doing speeches, it was fun. I loved writing, and public speaking was taking it to another level. In the beginning, I was very blunt in my speeches. My mom showed me how to get my point across without hurting someone’s feelings. I would write, “You should stop having children. Get off drugs, and go to a rehab.” Mom would rewrite it like this, “Our men need to start being responsible when it comes to having children. Young people need their fathers, drug and alcohol free.” See the difference. According to my mom, if you make the audience you are trying to reach angry, then they will not get the message. When I was writing that particular speech, I really didn’t care about the drug dealers, the drug users and the dead beat dads’ feelings. I was thinking about all of the little children that had been suffering from the day they were born. I liked my speech better, but I changed it.

Now almost a year later and mom is still correcting some of my speeches. I felt like such a failure when she was pointing out the mistakes. I was also angry. She’s worried about being tactful when it comes to other people’s feelings but not mine. While she was still fussing, I interrupted loudly and said, “Don’t you think I want to be able to write like you? Don’t you think I want to do this all on my own? Do you know how this make me feels. I hate asking for help.” My mom did something she hardly ever does. She stopped talking. She looked at me with a shocked expression. I’m praying please God don’t let her kill me for screaming and raising my voice at her. In an unusually calm voice, she says, “Victoria why didn’t you tell me this before? I would love to give you writing lessons. I will get you professional help, but I would love to do it until I find a good class for you.” It took a few minutes for me to understand what she was saying, because I was expecting the “if you raise your voice at me again you will be a homeless 12 year old”, speech. Because I admitted that I needed help and really wanted to learn, my mom was excited.

The first step to being better at anything is the desire to want to be better. I want to be an investigative reporter so being a good writer is critical. I’m really looking forward to having classes with my mom. I hope she has patience with me. A teacher needs patience. She has already given me my first lesson. When I watch television, I block out everything. I’m like a zombie when watching a Disney movie. That is the reason my mother does not let me watch much television. First lesson was to concentrate on writing with the same intensity I have when watching television. Block everything out except the subject you are writing about. I hated my first lesson.

The second lesson was to get back the passion that I use to have for writing and speaking. Go back to what made me want to do public speaking in the first place and recapture that moment. That moment was when I was 10, and I gave a speech at Denny Moe’s Superstar Barbershop in Harlem. I cried when I told the audience that I didn’t have a father to take me to the Father/Daughter Dance. When I finished the speech, a man came to me with shades on because he didn’t want anyone to know he was crying. He said if he had heard me speak earlier in his life, he would have made better decisions. That’s when I knew I could use my voice to make a difference. I love talking about that day because it was such a powerful moment in my life.

People always ask me how I got started at the National Action Network. I had been going to the National Action Network all my life. Nobody knew I was alive except four women from the women’s auxiliary committee. May, 2011, the youth director asked me to play Rev Al Sharpton in a mock protest. She gave me a short speech. I had 15 minutes to become familiar with it. My mother didn’t think I could do it and offered another boy $20 to play Rev. Sharpton. He told her no, and I took the stage. I knocked it out the ball park. The NAN staff members noticed me for the first time. About three weeks after that, I became Dominique Sharpton’s intern for the summer. July, 2011, I started speaking on Rev Sharpton’s Saturday morning rally. The first week I was so nervous, I couldn’t eat breakfast. By the 3^rd week I had no fear, and doing the radio segment was something I looked forward to every week. People congratulated me and told me that they listen to me every Saturday.

What I have learned is that people will build you up and then pull you down. I don’t know why. Sometimes people think if a friend or love one starts to do well in life they will not be the same toward them or they will not have time for them.

People that don’t want other people to be happy are usually unhappy themselves. That’s a shame. Misery loves company is not just a saying. Unfortunately, it is a true statement. We really have to start being nicer to each other. Anyway, back to writing and me questioning myself if I want to be an investigative reporter after all.

When people ask me if I write my own material, I hate that I can’t say I do it all on my own. That is the first question most people ask me. It makes me feel like they don’t think I’m smart enough to do it on my own. My mother made me feel a lot better when I told her how I felt. Her response, “My job is to help you and guide you. I know what you are going to say before you say it. I know you better than you know yourself. You know what you want to write and say, but sometimes you need help in putting it out there. That is where I come in. The President has a speech writer. Your auntie is one of the best legal secretaries in NYC, but she ask me for a advice when it comes to writing a letter to school or to a company about bad customer service. Most parents come to me when they need a reference for their children. People that have been speaking for years still ask me to go over their speeches. I can write, but I’m a horrible speller, so I go to your auntie when it comes to that. As long as you try to do it on your own first, I will be here for you. I will be there for you when you need help on your college essays. I will help you, but I can’t do it for you.”

My third lesson, instead of trying to remember a long response, get a tape recorder and record the person. Also a tip from mom, put the recorder under your pillow. Listen to speeches while you are sleeping so it will go into your conscience. I have not tried that yet. I will let you know if it works. My homework assignment is to read The Speeches of Malcolm X. The reason, to be the best, study the best. Nobody was better at speeches than Malcolm X. “We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us.” What a line!

When it came to my June blog, I didn’t know what I wanted to write about. So many times when I’m walking down the street or at school I can think of a thousand things I want to blog about. When I get home in front of the computer I go blank. I call it, “blog block”. Mom told me to blog about what had just happened with us, word for word, thought for thought. Let everyone know that it is okay to ask for help.

I’m going to make sure I’m never again short on material. The next time I’m walking down the street and I see something I want to write about or speak on, I will jot it down right then and there. I have a lot of future material like, the negative effect legalizing marijuana will have on the black community, the stupidity of Adidas slave sneakers, my campaign against child sex trafficking, and writing letters to bring back Family Matter reruns. Writing is going to be fun again. See you in July.

- Victoria Pannell

Hello Coremag readers,

I’m beyond thrilled that I have been invited by the Coremag staff to write a monthly blog. I don’t take it for granted that I have been given an outlet to reach thousands of young females on a monthly basis. The thought of it also makes me a little nervous. How many girls are interested in the opinion of a preteen 12 year old? Well all it takes is one. If something I write can make a difference to just one young person than the jittery nerves will have to take a back seat. My faith has to replace my fear. Yet as I set in front of the computer typing and asking my mom for help I realize the jittery nerves did not take a back seat. They were front and center. Using one of my favorite spiritual lines, “my faith has replaced my fear”, wasn’t working as I battled what would be my first blog. I’m constantly told by my mother that first impressions are so important. So you know my first blog has to be on point. “Mom, please help me.” As she gives me that, ‘this is your project’, look she asks what is the biggest issue I face as young girl. Ahh there it is, bullying.

I can’t look at the news anymore when it comes to young people killing themselves because they have been bullied. Maybe I have a hard time watching or reading about bullying because to think that someone can be driven to that state of mind by another classmate is so frightening. As someone that has been bullied a lot in school, I don’t like to think about it getting so bad that it could drive me to suicide.

I have come to the realization that it seems to get worst in high school. The bullying in middle school has been bad enough so that is not a comforting thought. It does not matter that I have been on television. It does not matter that I’m a youth leader for Rev Sharpton’s National Action Network. It does not matter that I’m a child. What matters is I know like most of you what it feels like to be bullied. What we have to be careful with is not to become like the people bullying us. This is not the time to apply the saying. “ if you can’t beat them join them”.

Some times the kids that are being bullied do become bullies themselves. They feel if they are doing the bullying than maybe the bullying against them will stop. I even very, very briefly thought about becoming friends with the mean girls in school so they would stop picking on me. I realized all I would be doing is making someone else’s life miserable and being a part of the problem instead of the solution. I hate to think that I said something to someone else that brought their life down instead of saying something to bring their life up. Also I would be a homeless 12 year old bully. My mother doesn’t play that. If there are any girls reading this blog that bullies, tease or pick on other people please stop.

You might think you are being funny because other kids in the class laugh when you say something mean to someone but you are not being funny. You are being cruel. The kids that laugh when you bully someone only do so because they are glad they are not the subject of your bullying. That nervous laughter is a sign of relief that it wasn’t them being picked on. How miserable someone must be when making fun of people is their only form of communication. Kids are losing their lives because a miserable person have bullied them to the point of not wanting to live anymore.

How many kids have switched schools because they could not deal with the teasing anymore? How many young people’s lives have been turned upside down because of bullying? Social media has taken bullying to new heights of despair and made it easier for bullies to pick on others even when they are far away from their victims. Let’s try to understand what makes a person a bully. Usually they are just unhappy with themselves. Because they are miserable they want someone else to be miserable also. Hence, they pick on someone so they can see the look of misery in that person face and that makes them feel as if they are not the only unhappy person in the world. It also gives them a false sense of control and power. Bullies also pick on people to get attention. If saying something mean is the only way for you to get attention then you need to find a new outlet. Pick up a skill or hobby and become good at it. Trust me, positive attention feels way more better than negative attention. If you are a bully ask yourself why you feel the need to make someone unhappy. Then don’t be afraid to find help so you can stop being a destructive person. There is nothing wrong in asking for therapy. It is better to get mental help now than to be dead later because you picked on someone that had nothing else to lose in life and they decided to do you harm.

Recently a girl called me a freak and the whole class laughed. Yet this freak, as she called me, stood at the National Mall in our nation’s capital, Washington DC on October 15^th and delivered a speech before thousands on national television. How ironic that now I’m blogging about her and other bullies like her. She had an audience of a few. I have an audience of thousands. I have empowered myself against bullies. Calling me names doesn’t change what is on my birth certificate which is Victoria Pannell. It doesn’t take away my sense of who I am. I will not let it stop me from being the creative person I was meant to be. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t always feel as strong as I do now Bullying still hurts, but I deal with it in a different way. At one point I was bullied so much I didn’t want to go to school. I don’t get bullied as much but it still happens. It helps that I have great mentors and other young people around me that rather uplift than put down. Not everyone has that circle of support. Create that circle. Find other victims of bullying and befriend them. There is comfort and strength in unity. It also empowers me when I realize that bullies are not born but created by circumstances and pain in their life. I refuse to be bullied now the way I was before. I will do something about it if it gets to the point where it interferes with my life.

There are different levels of bullying. If you are bullied to the point of not wanting to go to school, have a drop in grades, suffering from depression or heaven forbid, you no longer want to live, tell someone. The first place to start is the principal. Put the school on notice that this is happening to you. If you don’t have a parent that will do something find some adult that has always been kind to you and notify them. You can also try your pastor, priest or bishop or someone at your place of worship. My mom has decided to take a more direct approach. If I ever get bullied again the way I use to, she is taking the bully, their guardian and the school if they didn’t help, to court. It is not that hard to start a lawsuit. You don’t need a lawyer and it is not expensive. People get paid thousands everyday from someone that caused them emotional damage. And we all know bullying is very emotionally damaging. If even if you don’t win you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did something about it.

Our educators need to stop bullying from happening in the classroom. If they have a bully in the class they need to do something about it. My teachers will call my mom for me talking in class but will not call authorities on a bully. To that I say, “No more”. The US Department of Education and local Departments of Education have to be held accountable for letting bullying continue. If they can create laws that stop prayer in schools nationwide they can create laws that will stop the bullying.

To Coremag readers don’t let a bully destroy who YOU are. Years from now when people are calling you the next Oprah or Warren Buffet, that bully that picked on you is still going to be simply known as that bully from school. To the bullies, head into a new direction and lift young people up instead of putting people down. If you have mistreated someone, say you are sorry and ask if you can start fresh. You just might end up meeting your new BFF. Even if the person you mistreated doesn’t become your friend after you apologized and stopped bullying him or her, you will probably sleep a lot better at night. Thanks for reading and see you next month. 

-Victoria Pannell