Posts tagged "friendships"

How to A.C.T. When Your BFF Throws Shade!

We’ve all been there. Your BFF starts throwing shade at you for no apparent reason. You try to ask her what’s wrong, but she just replies with a nonchalant, “Nothing.”

“Nothing? Okay, whatever,” you say. You hate when she acts like this. Everything is cool between the two of you until she comes around. You know . . . the Beyonce- wannabe whose hair extensions should have been redone two weeks ago. She actually thinks that messy bun she’s put them in hides the tracks that are as fake as she is. They’re obviously trying to detach themselves from her over-inflated head.

You roll your eyes. Your best friend didn’t even like her last year. You reminisce on how the two of you used to clown on her and have your 13 year-old brother send her text messages, pretending to be Mr. All-Star Football player—the one she’s been eyeing all year long. The three of you would die laughing reading her “sext message”replies.

But things are different now. She somehow worked her witch-like magic on your friend and now they’re hanging out all the time. But you don’t care. Even if she would’ve invited you to her sweet 16 party, you wouldn’t have gone. Nope, not a chance. It didn’t matter that they guy you’ve been crushing on since freshman year was there . . . and word on the street is he just broke up with his girlfriend. It wouldn’t have mattered that his cute, heartbroken face would’ve been inches from yours when you pulled him on the dance floor. None of that would’ve mattered,because you wouldn’t have gone to that stupid party anyway!

Sound familiar?

So what do I do, Dana, when my friends act shady?

I’m so glad you asked! I say you ACT. And ACT now.

A- Acknowledge your feelings. Be honest with yourself first. How are you really feeling? Are you maybe just a wee bit jealous of the other girl? Why? Would you secretly want to be her friend if she would only acknowledge you? Are you afraid of losing your best friend to her? You’re going to have to be real with yourself and take note of what’s really going on with you. There’s no shame in the truth. Once you acknowledge how you dana chefeel, it’s time to . . .

C- Confront your friend. The important thing to remember is you’re not trying to back her into a corner. Think about it. When a person feels under attack, they usually strike back. Your goal is to share your feelings with your friend and let her know how her behavior is making you feel. It’s not the absence of conflict that makes a relationship strong, but in how you handle the conflict. If your friendship is legit and your friend really cares about you, she will appreciate you being honest with her, even if she seems hurt in the beginning. Remember, you’re telling her how you feel . . . you’re not attacking her character.

T- Trust. Oooh, I know this is a touchy word, and to be honest once trust is broken, it’s sometimes easier just to walk away than to try to rebuild. But this is your best friend. Once you’ve had a heart-to-heart with her and she’s acknowledged your feelings (hopefully), it’s to time bury the hatchet. Don’t bring it up again and don’t expect the worse. Don’t sell out either. You know what I mean . . . being fake around the other chick to try to appease your friend. If the other girl isn’t your cup of latte, don’t force a friendship. But if you do happen to become friends with her, please find a tactful way to educate her on proper weave touchups!

-Dana Che

Dana Che is an inspirational speaker and the author of The Choice That Changed Her Life, a young adult fiction book on one girl’s journey through an emotionally abusive relationship and teenage pregnancy. When she’s not inspiring or empowering others, she can be found catching up on her favorite TV shows on her DVR or hanging with her hubby Shaun and their four amazingly wonderful children.

Learn more about Dana at http://danache.com and connect with her up on your favorite social network.

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Better Than That!

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Relationships, Latest | by — March 24, 2014

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Sometimes the truth is that you’re just better. People may not like to hear it, but the truth can hurt. If you encounter people who are petty, vindictive, liars, or any other negative thing that you’re not about and they try to pull you in, it’s okay to tell them that what they’re doing is no good and that you’re above all of that.

TV-300x225This is a fairly new way of thinking for me. I’m not the type to feel like I’m worth more than another person, but I had to realize that when I say I’m better, I’m not referring to our worth as individuals. I’m  talking about behaviors that I just can’t get with. It was hard for me to feel comfortable calling someone  out on some mess and letting them know that I’m not about it. At first I felt like I was being mean and maybe I should just let it go and let them do their own thing. I could have continued to go that route, but it wouldn’t have done anyone any good. They would still be doing some mess, and I would have

I’m not saying you need to go around calling out everyone on everything, but I am saying that it’s okay to check those that you care about from time to time. You wouldn’t let your friend go out of the house looking busted….hair a mess, clothes not matching… but you’re okay letting them play themselves when it comes to their character? I’d rather have a friend who’s consistently a good person that may not dress so well than one whose outfits were flawless but I couldn’t trust.talking about behaviors that I just can’t get with. It was hard for me to feel comfortable calling someone out on some mess and letting them know that I’m not about it. At first I felt like I was being mean and maybe I should just let it go and let them do their own thing. I could have continued to go that route, but it wouldn’t have done anyone any good. They would still be doing some mess, and I would have been annoyed by it. That’s a lose-lose.

Moral of the story: Check your friends, and not just about their fashion choices. If they’re lying, check em. If they’re being selfish, check em. If they’re playing themselves just to be accepted by other people,check em. It has been my experience that they’ll appreciate it in the long run. One last thing: If you’re running around calling people out, be prepared to be called out yourself. Don’t be one of those people can dish it but can’t take it. You’re better than that.

 

-Tiffany Vicks

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Relationship Exfoliation

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Relationships, Latest | by — September 16, 2013

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This time last week I was on vacation in the Dominican Republic with six of my oldest and closest friends, and we had an incredible time. We drove dune buggies through the mud in the countryside, went snorkeling, and even swam with starfish. We kicked it at the resort, lit up the dance floor in the club, and gambled in the casino. For me, this was a life-changing trip. On one hand, I realized that I need to devote more time to traveling to new places and having new experiences, and on the other, I was reminded of how fortunate I am to have the friends that I do. We encourage, support, and challenge each other, and though we may have bumps in the road, I have always known that no matter what happens between us, they’ve got my back.

That trip was awesome, but it was not without its faults. The sun and the salt water wreaked havoc on my skin. There were a few times that I got out ofTV the water and felt a stinging sensation on my face. I rinsed it off with some bottled water, washed it with soap when I got to the room, and kept it moving. Yesterday, when I woke up, I noticed that my skin was peeling. My nose, my forehead….it was all bad. So I made sure to go by the store and get some facial scrub so that I can exfoliate. That way I can scrub off all of the dead skin cells to reveal new healthy ones.

I know that this stuff may seem random, but I promise I’m going to tie it together for you. There are generally two types of people in your life: those who are full of life and help you grow and those who are full of death/negativity and have you out here looking crazy. Your experiences in life are like that trip I just took. There will be times that awesome things happen that reveal who has your back and inspires you to continue to nurture those relationships. Then there will be other times that even though someone convinced you to do something and you may have had fun doing it you were doing damage to yourself and/or others. These are the people that you need to exfoliate. There will be signs that something isn’t right, similar to the stinging sensation that I felt on my face. Doing a superficial rinse may not be enough. You may need to do a serious scrub to make sure you remove them from your life. That is the only way you can make room for the healthy relationships that make you glow.

-Tiffany Vicks

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Just Let It Go

Forgiveness is one of those things that can be very hard to accomplish. It’s very common for us to be wronged by someone and decide that we’ll let it go. We have every intention of doing so, but a lot of times we don’t know how. I’m one of those people who generally has a hard time holding a grudge. If you make me laugh, I’m pretty much on the road to being cool again, but there have been a few times that people have hurt me so deeply or pissed me off so severely that I still feel the hurt and anger of the situation as if it just happened yesterday. I know that it is cliché to tell you that forgiving someone can make you feel as good as or better than the person you’re forgiving, but I’m going to tell you anyway because it’s true.

Letting go of the hurt, anger, and resentment that you hold on to before forgiving someone is truly a burden lifted. It feels good to be TVable to see and/or think about someone who did you wrong and not get all worked up about it. When you’re able to do that, it means that the person and that situation no longer have any control over you. It means that you’re free from whatever madness to which you may have been chained and can move forward with one less thing to worry about.

Therefore, my little piece of advice this week is to just let it all go. Your friend stabbed you in the back? Don’t even trip on it. They did you a favor by showing you who they really were. Believe them, decide how to deal with them going forward and just let it go. Your boyfriend is working your last nerve? Don’t fall into the trap and start an argument. Just charge this one to the game and let it go. Teachers and parents giving you a hard time? Make sure you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, and just let the rest go. Don’t be confused; this isn’t about adopting a nonchalant attitude. This is about recognizing that we all are human and make mistakes and being able to allow yourself and others to make them without holding onto those mistakes forever. Just let it go!

-Tiffany Vicks

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